Dear Sir: Your Criticism Of The Texans Proves You Are A Male Homosexual
Our cover story this week is on the Houston Texans, and their seemingly unquenchable urge to toy with the hearts of local football fans.
Alas, we could not bring ourselves to feel optimistic about the coming season, and presented a history of the team to demonstrate why.
Instead, according to one astute observer, we merely demonstrated that we are a homosexual.
We won't print the guy's name, because we haven't had a chance to see if it's not a case of someone trying to make the guy look like an idiot, but here's his e-mail, annotated.
That has to be one of the worst written articles I've read in my entire 30 years. Now, I certainly don't proclaim to be a journalistic genius, but come on! It's a little easier to read knowing your publication is based on live music and flamboyant dick suckers finding true love, so a piece on sports makes about as much sense as.....oh I don't know, you writing for The Chronicle!! [Wait -- flamboyant dick-suckers don't read the Chron?]
Come on man, you know nothing about sports. You may be a great FACT CHECKER, but until your pansy ass suits up and leaves everything on the field with a group of men you consider family.....SHUT THE FUCK UP!! [In other words, everything in the article about how the Texans so far have been awful factually checks out? You wound us, sir. Oh, and we suited up and left everything on the field in the long-ago past, but "family"? Sounds a little too gay to us.]
Since you consider yourself a mastermind on all things Texans why don't you take your article out to the blue lot week 1 and pass it out to the fans that don't frequent montrose and see if you make it back home to your dick wielding PARTNER for a nice evening of sucking each other's shit off your dicks!! [Wait, who's wielding the dick here? Me or my all-caps PARTNER? I guess I'll ask the guys in the blue lot.]
You're suck a loser, why don't you try Dallas...I'm sure they have some great faggot's for you to suck up in the metroplex, then we don't have to be bothered with this crap you consider journalism!! [Your obession with male oral sex has caused you to write "suck" instead of "such" in "You're suck a loser." But you admit you're not a journalistic genius, so we'll let it go. As for your assessment of how terrific the gays are in Dallas, we'll take your word for it.]
Anyway, there's the Texan-fan response to our article. It's obviously well-reasoned and perceptive, so maybe we're going to have to give this gay thing a go.