"Discovery Green" Is Classy?

Why didn't they just go with Lightnin' Hopkins Park?

Despite the best efforts of both Houstoned and Slampo's Place, the name of the new downtown park will most decidedly not be Lightnin' Hopkins Park. No, pretty much as Slampo and yours truly figured, the powers-that-be here wanted something "classier" than that.

Slampo thought they would name it "World Class Centre," while I thought they might go for "The Glades at Old Chinatown." We both seemed to realize the simple word "park" would not suffice for such a bastion of world-classiness, because Discovery Green got the nod. If that pretentiously abstract name sounds like it was cooked up in the marketing department of a corporate restaurant chain, that's because it was; the winning entry came from an accountant at Pappas Restaurants.

Yep, even though approximately four people outside this city care about that whole "You know, Houston was the first word said on the moon..." thing, even though Tranquility Park mere blocks away already honors that momentous event, we're still milking it, 37 years after the fact. (Or hoax, as the case may be. Cue Art Bell music.)

Doesn't anybody in a position of power in this city understand that that whole world-classiness thing they seek so desperately will only come when they quit trying so obviously and crassly to attain it?

It's the elemental rule of cool — the biggest dorks are the ones that try the hardest to fit in. Naming a downtown park "Discovery Green" is the metropolitan equivalent of a daily paper's cringe-inducing, "We're down wit' da kidz" "Yo!" page. — John Nova Lomax

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