Edwin Jabroskey Simpson of Lufkin was thirsty, and in his view, overly sober. And nothing -- not abject poverty nor an angry cop -- was gonna stop the hulking 22-year-old from getting hold of an ice-cold 24-ounce can of Tilt Premium Malt Beverage.
According to a police report, Simpson strode into a Polk Oil convenience store in Lufkin Sunday night at around eleven and plucked a Tilt -- a high-potency brew (12 percent alcohol) similar to FourLoko -- out of the cooler and allegedly attempted to hide it in his clothing.
Unfortunately for Simpson and his party plans, a Lufkin cop happened to be in the store and saw Simpson's alleged sleight of hand.
He ordered Simpson to surrender the Tilt (the report does not specify if it was Green, Red, Blue, or Purple "flavor") and place his hands behind his back. Instead of complying the defensive end-sized Simpson launched his 6'3, 260-pound frame at the cop, sending the two of them crashing through the doors of the convenience store.
The cop suffered minor injuries. Meanwhile, Tilt still in tow, Simpson ran like the wind.
For a couple of blocks...
Whereupon he was run down by a couple more of Lufkin's finest and taken into custody.
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Now not only does he face a Class A misdemeanor evading arrest charge, but also, since he injured someone in the act of his Tilt-Heist, also a second-degree felony charge of robbery.
A 24-ounce can of Tilt (anyone remember when Schlitz marketed their giant malt liquor cans as "Master Cylinders"?) retails for $1.99.
In the (admittedly unlikely) event that Simpson takes the maximum 20-year sentence on his robbery charge, that would work out to a dime a year.
So the moral, kiddies, is this: if you're gonna wahoo booze and flatten a cop in the process, make sure it's a fifth of Patron or a handle of Jack at minimum. That way each year you spend in prison might be worth a buck or two.