The NFL season opens tonight. We've already given you our astute and accurate take on the Houston Texans. (9-7, if you must know.) But what about the rest of the league? Do you actually want to sit through all the games, or learn what will happen in the next few grafs?
We thought so.
So here is how the season will shake out.
AFC South -- Peyton Manning learns what life is like on the downside of your career. It involves many sacks, or throwing the ball to the stands in order to avoid a sack. It also involves much scowling at your offensive line as you wonder where all the good guys went. Unfortunately for the Texans, it also still involves a division championship. Among other teams, Leonard Nimoy's Unsolved Mysteries series is revived, with the opening episode titled In Search of Vince Young's Career.
AFC North -- There are, you might be surprised to learn, four teams in this division. Only two matter, though, and Baltimore and Pittsburgh will engage in a series of 10-6 games in which the TD is a pick-six. We're going to go with Baltimore this year.
AFC East -- Tom Brady returns, having completed his mission to impregnate every supermodel on the planet. That's all you need to know. Jets QB Mark Sanchez will try to compete with him, but will instead find himself only reaching the Gossip Girl-cast level of impregnated girlfriends. He'll also throw more interceptions than TDs. Patriots take this division in a walk.
AFC West -- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The only entertainment value here is watching the Raiders continue their decade-long implosions.
NFC South -- The AFC West of the NFC. The Saints might be good, and will win the division, but revert to being the Saints in the playoffs.
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NFC North -- Is there even a quarterback in this division? We mean one that isn't as old as Bobby Bowden, as much a diva as Patti LuPone, and as worthless on the field as David Carr. The answer is no. But someone has to win, so what the hell, the Bears do.
NFC East -- The Cowboys, in their billion-dollar temple, suck terribly. But they have the world's largest big-screens in order for customers to realize it. Michael Vick is playing for the Eagles, so don;t bring any dogs to Philly games. Eli Manning shows his brother what life is like as you're reaching the peak of your career, and leads the Giants to the division title.
NFC West -- Can Arizona repeat its success? Apparently some people care. They're mostly in the Phoenix area, though. The rest of the nation just wonders if it can stand any more uplifting stories on Kurt Warner.
SUPER BOWL -- The Patriots get their revenge on the Giants, especially since the Giants have cut David Tyree, the guy who made the amazing helmet catch that won them the Super Bowl two years ago.