Fan Fighting League! Baseball Season Is Underway As Oriole Fan Punches Yankee Fan
The winter typically provides a lull in when it comes to my Fan Fighting League. You all know the FFL, right? It's my fictional league that I created (and proclaimed myself commissioner of) in order to bring attention to fans from opposing teams beating the snot out of each other at sporting events.
Fact of the matter is that football season is always going to be prime FFL season, since that's a sport in which fans punching each other in the stands is as embedded a tradition as fight songs and cheerleaders.
During the dead of winter, we see almost no fights, since the NBA is not really a "crowd brawl" kind of sport, especially since Ron Artest renamed himself Metta World Peace and then disappeared.
But baseball. Oh sweet baseball. We love you. Especially up in the Northeast, where the hate between fan bases should have a color coded alert system, like the terror level.
So it's nice to get the FFL baseball season started with a sweet set of fisticuffs between an Oriole fan and a Yankee fan in Camden Yards!
As Stephen Douglas of The Big Lead notes, a determination needs to be made on which person is the Yankee fan and which one is the Oriole fan. It's not immediately discernible, but since the title says there is one of each in this brawl, we need to do some YouTube forensics and figure it out:
The Yankees and Orioles wrapped up their first series of the year in Baltimore on Thursday night. At some point during the series, these two fans decided to throw down. The video title says it is an Orioles and a Yankees fan, so I'm going to assume Bro #1 wearing the sweatshirt is the Orioles fan based on his buddies and Bro #2 wearing the collared shirt is the Yankees fan based on the fact that somebody has to be the Yankees fan or the video title would be a damn lie.
Let's take a look....
Ok, I'm even going to use Stephen's monikers for each of these guys -- Bro #1 and Bro #2. Actually, let's really make sure we draw the party lines. Let's go with Oriole Bro and Yankee Bro, ok? Now, let's Zarpuder this thing:
0:01 -- At first, it looks like Yankee Bro is going to square off with that long sleeved t-shirt dude. Oriole Bro is kind of blocked from view, like Yankee Bro is performing his own inadvertent solar eclipse.
0:04 -- But soon the sun peeks over the side of the moon, and we see the Orange Menace. ORIOLE BRO. Yankee Bro will soon get to know him, and his clenched up phalanges, all too well.
0:05 -- Yankee Bro scoffs at something Oriole Bro says to him, probably something like "$200 million payroll, and you guys will be lucky to win 82 games this season..." I mean, Yankee Bro finds that TOTES HILAR! He scoffs at you, ORIOLE BRO!
0:06 -- Oriole Bro gives Yankee Bro one of the best "this isn't a first punch, but this is an indicator that I am willing to fight" shoves that I've ever seen, nearly sending Yankee Bro over the back of the chair.
0:07 -- Yankee Bro goes back in with one of the worst collar-and-elbow hookups that I've seen since Hillbilly Jim invaded the WWF in 1985. Really sloppy.
0:08 -- Yankee Bro tries to grab onto the lapels of Oriole Bro, only one problem -- hoodies don't have lapels. I blame Yankee Bro watching too many episodes of The Sopranos and seeing Tony do the "grab the lapel" thing to Christopher and others who pissed him off. This gives Oriole Bro the opening to....
0:10 -- ...disorient Yankee Bro with the "hockey sweater pullover move." Stealth move, Oriole bro! It doesn't take long for Yankee Bro's head to pop out the other side of the move and immediately get fists rained down on it like a car roof in a hailstorm.
0:18 -- But here's the crazy thing.... YANKEE BRO LIKES THE PUNISHMENT!! HE'S LAUGHING!! The only thing that would be better than this would be Oriole Bro knocking him to the ground, and then Yankee Bro sitting up like the Undertaker....
0:24 -- As several Oriole fans in various states of poor-cardio and obesity step in, my favorite part os that Yankee Bro chooses not to put his shirt back on, but instead, keep it off as the fight simmers down.
0:38 -- Now, here come the Baltimore P.D. This is the type of beat that I envisioned Jimmy McNulty having in that one season of The Wire when he had to be a normal, uniform wearing cop. Like he went from getting inside info from Omar to working school crosswalks and breaking up fights between Oriole Bro and Yankee Bro.
0:43 -- THE BOILER ON 70-SOMETHING ORIOLE SECURITY GUY, THO!!!
1:05 -- Random moment -- some chick with frizzy gray hair wearing a hoodie (so many hoodies!) is talking trash to cops, so SHE gets yanked in by the elbow by the po-po.
It's great to have baseball back!!
(h/t The Big Lead)
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.