The Fan Fighting League doesn't discriminate. We will book matches between fans of any size, race, creed, income level and yes, gender. However, it is admittedly rare that we get a female-on-female brawl in the FFL.
But around once a year, the catfight magic happens. In regular sports terms, the FFL catfight is like a Hail Mary in the NFL, like a no-hitter in MLB or like a Kendrick Perkins-made free throw in the NBA, and when it happens, you just have to savor every moment of it.
And thankfully, this past weekend, in Brownsville, Texas, it happened.
It's no secret that there are Cowboys and Packers fans pretty much everywhere in the United States. The Cowboys, after all, are the alleged America's Team, and the Packers have just as far-reaching a footprint. Rare is the NFL team that has its own fan website to find a bar showing its team's games in any city around the country. The Packers do.
So it's not a huge surprise that the cup of passion runneth over when these two fan bases collided in a street in sunny Brownsville over the weekend. Let's take a look at the video, and then we do what we do...
Okay, good stuff. Let's Zapruder this thing....
0:01 -- You are looking live at some street in Brownsville, where a muscle car of some sort is making its way down the road. Or trying to, at least. It appears it's been surrounded by a bunch of Cowboys fans who are none too fond of the Packers flag hanging off the car, so they act like a bunch of baboons on a drive-through safari, climbing around the car and shaking it.
0:12 -- Somewhere amid the ruckus, a female Packers fan wearing an Aaron Rodgers jersey emerged from the car to make it known that she's not down with Cowboy Fan's act. She appears to be very slender, very blond and possibly good-looking, which puts the likelihood that she's actually from Green Bay at +5,000,000,000.
0:21 -- Wait a second...just when Rodgers Girl appears to be getting in the car to drive away, here comes a chick in a Cowboys sweatshirt. She too is bleach blond, possibly attractive and somewhat slender. Her odds of actually being from Dallas are -125.
0:25 -- Well, that escalated quickly. The two start bitch-slapping each other right in the middle of moving traffic, so we are now officially into "manslaughter waiting to happen" territory.
0:34 -- Between the horns honking, the people gathering and the cameraman continually saying "IT'S ON...IT"S ON...," this has a better atmosphere already than any episode of Monday Night Raw since SummerSlam. Traffic is officially stopped, and my guess is that every single car is being driven by a man who feels like there's a puncher's chance (no pun intended) of seeing boobs.
0:37 -- Rodgers is getting in most of the blows, with Cowboys chick punching erasing a white board. Lots of hair pulling. Not enough "top of thong" butt crack showing.
0:45 -- We start to pan back, and this is the most random gathering of misfits I've seen at an FFL event, with flag-waving Dez Bryant Guy and Leather Helmet Packer Guy among the peeps.
1:02 -- In the process of peacemaking, a guy in a gorilla outfit is shaking hands with leather helmet guy. The only thing missing at this point is The Bunny from Adam Rose's entourage...
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1:09 -- Got to get the license plate number, so we can report this to the police...because clearly this is the biggest problem in Brownsville right now.
1:15 -- The rest of the video consists of a) Cowboys fans stealing the Packers flag, b) more honking and c) lots of flag waving, celebrating, whooping and hollering. Seeing as how the Cowboys lost, either a) this footage was shot before the game or b) these are the dumbest people in the world. Or both.