Fan Fighting League! European Soccer Division (Including Drones And Fireworks)
Since I invented it a couple of years ago, the Fan Fighting League has been almost exclusively a football thing (with the rare baseball exception).
However, if we take the world as a whole and step outside of our American cocoon for a minute, it's logical to ask ourselves, "Why haven't we broken down an international soccer fight yet?" Honestly, it's a great question. Why haven't we??"
On Wednesday night, I found myself wondering that exact thing. So I went to Twitter to see just how easy (or difficult) it would be to find an international soccer match with a fan fight in it. I searched Twitter using "soccer fan brawl," and lo and behold, it was even easier to find one than I thought it would be!
For our first soccer entry into the FFL, we head to Serbia, where the Serbian and Albanian national soccer teams were facing off in a qualifier for the 2016 European Championship. If you've ever asked yourself, "What would it be like if we plunked a soccer game down in the middle of the Oakland Coliseum and made all the Raiders fans Serbians?" then you're about to get your answer.
And really, who hasn't wondered that?
Let's roll tape (Do people still literally "roll tape" on stuff?)...
Okay, a lot going on here, let's break this baby down...
0:02 -- We get the Serbian players walking away with what looks, at first glance, like a kite. So first impression is that the Serbians are bullying a few Albanians who are merely trying to innocently fly their kite. Zooming in closer, however, and realizing that it would be really fucking stupid to fly a kite in the middle of a soccer game, we see that it's actually a pro-Albanian flag of some sort. (At least, that's what the article in which I found this video is telling me.)
0:05 -- As it turns out, the flag was flown in by some drone, because that's really a totally normal thing, a drone flying into a sporting event with a show of support for the road team. I'd love to see some team try that with the Texans so we could watch J.J. Watt grab the drone like a tennis ball and then squash it with one hand like it's a nectarine.
0:10 -- I get the nationalism that the Serbians feel, the whole "WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE" bravado, but I'm guessing if dude knew that he was going to get cracked with a chair (clinching the chances that the Internet will dub Jim Ross's voice onto this video, by the way), he might have had second thoughts.
0:14 -- We are three seconds into the actual brawl and one thing is already readily apparent -- soccer players suck at fighting.
-:17 -- Oh, by the way, that appears to be a fan who swung the chair on that guy. Solid security detail. Not only did a fan make it onto the field, but a fan made it onto the field while holding a small piece of furniture, and managed to crack a dude's skull with said furniture.
0:31 -- A lot of posturing and yelling at each other in whatever language Albanians and Serbians employ when they yell at each other. By the way, my favorite guy so far in the video is the fan whose shirt is around his neck like a scarf and whose lower garment appears to be a flag of one of the participating countries wrapped around his waist like a towel in a day spa.
0:45 -- Someone in a suit comes out and scoops up the chair that had just been used as a weapon by a fan. Probably a good idea.
0:55 -- Number 7 in white and some tall dude on the other team are arguing like a married couple. Get a room, you two!
1:10 -- Yikes, the police detail at this game are dressed like they're part of Sergeant Slaughter's Cobra Corps! They look serious, and that's a good thing, because somehow some rugged, tatted-up, hoodie-wearing characters have managed to make their way onto the field.
1:11 -- I don't think I've ever seen a major sporting event where fans could get down on the field so easily at any point, let alone during a game. I've seen more security in the food court at Memorial City Mall than I've seen keeping the crowd at bay in this soccer match.
1:17 -- Amazingly, the four guys who appear to be part of some death metal movement (one bald guy and three black hoodies) just leave when they're asked to leave. Didn't see that coming at all.
1:25 -- Now we swing all the way back over to the players and there's another fan, this one using a flag as a cape, who takes a few kicks and then runs off. So if you're keeping score at home, we've now seen a flag covering a drone, a flag covering some dude's junk and a flag being used as a cape.
1:44 -- The white team (who, again, I believe, is Serbia) decides to leave the field and proceeds to get pelted by garbage from what the article says is a Serbian crowd. This seems odd until I ask myself, "WWRFD?" (What Would Raider Fan Do?) And Raider Fan would have no problem using Darren McFadden's head for target practice if the Raiders decided to run off the field. So this is logical.
1:51 -- The mascot on the right-hand side of the screen saying "Fuck this..." before sprinting off is the most underrated moment in the entire video.
1:52 -- As the mascot runs off to the right, watch the dude on the near side of the fence run toward the players and proceed to get trampled like Kevin Bacon in the parade riot in Animal House. Awesome.
1:57 -- Of course, garbage is one thing, but a shirtless, masked fan running up and delivering roundhouse kicks to the players is quite another. Further proof that these guys are complete fancy boys -- a fan comes up and starts kicking the players (there's one of him and roughly two dozen of them), and they don't even think to fight back.
2:03 -- Thankfully, the police pummel the ever-loving shit out of a dude who wasn't even a remote threat to the players, using their billy clubs. I'd say the message was sent to the shirtless, masked guy, but I think at this point he's busy having a threesome with the wives of the two best players on the team right in front of them while they watch with no retaliation.
2:07 -- Trampled Dude takes a seat on the grass off to the left to evaluate all 32 of his broken ribs.
2:25 -- Trampled Dude is told, in no uncertain terms, to pancake his ass back into Section 118.
3:02 -- A lot of random players and people wandering around the pitch culminates with the mascot removing his mask, which is the cardinal sin of mascot kayfabe. NEVER, EVER LET THEM SEE YOUR FACE!
Overall, my evaluation of Soccer Fan Fighting League is a lot like my evaluation of soccer as a whole. It certainly has potential to gain more popularity over time. But for now, Football Fan Fighting, like the sport they follow, is king in this country.