Fan Fighting League! FFL Pro Bowl Brawl (w/ VIDEO)
I would guess that most fan fights at stadiums are fueled by three things: 1. Alcohol, 2. The undying, overzealous love of a fan for his team, and 3. Some modicum of disrespect. And in that order. Point being, to some degree, most fights probably have something to do with each participant's love for his or her team.
So it takes a special kind of asshole to get into a fight at a meaningless All-Star exhibition game, which makes the latest submission in my Fan Fighting League (FFL for short) so very funny, and yet disheartening in that these people actually exist.
Let's roll the footage....you are looking live at Sunday's AFC-NFC Pro Bowl in Honolulu...
All right, time for a very enjoyable Zapruder...
0:01 -- This starts off with a somewhat blurry, artsy, lopsided angle, almost as if the cameraman is conveying that the whole thing was a dream, or perhaps a suppressed memory from a past Pro Bowl in his mind.
0:08 -- As the cameraman gains focus of his recording device, we see what I would imagine is the usual cast of Pro Bowl characters -- a bunch of random, uninterested fans, including one with an orange dinosaur lid of some sort and a Maurkice Pouncey jersey wearer with a Pittsburgh Steeler hard hat. (NOTE: On the "Honey, have you seen my..." scale, asking your wife or girlfriend if they've seen your bright yellow Steelers construction helmet while packing for Hawaii is at least a 9.23 out of 10. Easily.)
0:12 -- We have a dude in a green hoodie getting helped up the steps by an ample-bottomed female in some sort of fedora (she is NOT pulling off whatever look she's going for) and another female with long dark hair wearing a baseball cap, who may or may not be cute. She's buried under too many clothes to be able to tell (which may be your answer, right there). These folks all appear to be leaving the stadium. HINT: They won't.
0:23 -- Now if you watch closely, you'll see Green Hoodie, Ample Butt and Ball Cap Girl are actually accompanied by a dude in a gray hoodie and a chick who also appears to have cuteness potential in a yellow, shoulderless top. They, however, don't head up the stairs. They decide to go down the stairs, past an unsuspecting Tebow jersey wearer, where the action is. What action? Well....
0:26 -- At the bottom of the aisle, say hello to Crazy Dre. He is presumably a fan of Andre Johnson, and he has a major issue with some other patron wearing a black T-shirt. Enough of an issue to....
0:30 -- ....BEGIN BEATING THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM. Oh my God, poor Black T-Shirt is just getting pummeled. Crazy Dre is raining two fists of fury onto the base of Black T-Shirt's skull with the white hot intensity of...well, ANDRE JOHNSON....
True story, a good buddy of mine named Ian was actually at the Pro Bowl in the section where this donnybrook was unfolding and he was sitting next to Andre Johnson's mom, who upon seeing that the central figure in this whole thing was sporting a Dre number 80 jersey said something to the effect of, "That guy must've watched Andre go upside Finnegan's head." Indeed, he must've.
0:32 -- Crazy Dre is quickly joined by a guy in a red T-shirt who appears to be a dear friend; we will call him "Jacoby." Jacoby and Crazy Dre are swinging on Black T-Shirt, when Gray Hoodie decides to even the odds, and does a horrific job. Black T-Shirt would have been better off asking one of the old ladies seated to the left of this debacle to be his tag team partner. Seriously, Gray Hoodie fights with the grace and ferocity of Screech from Saved By The Bell. However, there's no need to fear....
0:34 -- ...GREEN Hoodie guy is here!!! Back from the top of the steps, and apparently on a dead sprint to help save the day, in comes Green Hoodie. There's only one slight problem -- Ball Cap Girl is in between him and the fight. So naturally he does the smart thing and completely steamrolls her face first into the concrete, allowing her to soak up the rancid combination of beer puddles, discarded popcorn and feet.
0:38 -- Green Hoodie doesn't last long in the fight, as a bystander in an Aaron Brooks jersey immediately deposits him over the wall, onto the field, the same way a WWE wrestler would eliminate a competitor from an over-the-top-rope battle royal.
0:39 -- It's worth noting the poor people sitting in their seats in the second row, probably a bunch of vacationers thinking they were going to have a nice day at the football stadium, in some pretty plush seats ("Hey, honey, look! SECOND row!"), and now they're front row for what has to feel like a possibly lethal 3-D movie.
0:42 -- Jacoby is holding onto somebody's feet for dear life (pretty sure they're Crazy Dre's) while he pounds the kidneys of Gray Hoodie with stiff right hands. But then, with the help of his valet Ample Butt, Gray Hoodie (no longer wearing his gray hoodie, mind you) manages to dump Jacoby and Crazy Dre onto the field, making him the winner of the 2013 Royal Rumble!!!
0:51 -- In step the police to drag away Crazy Dre and Jacoby down on the field. Crazy Dre is doing what crazy people do, still yelling threats as he's dragged away by the stadium police, who are probably about as used to dealing with Pro Bowl brawls as police in Greenwich, Connecticut, are used to dealing with double homicides.
0:58 -- A little self-propping by the cameraman. Much deserved. This baby has been a masterpiece so far.
1:06 -- Gray Hoodie tosses aside his gray hoodie, rips off his T-shirt and staggers around while presumably screaming "ONE MORE ROUND" to Crazy Dre, like Rocky Balboa in the street fight with Tommy Gunn at the end of Rocky V.
1:12 -- Excellent shot of the players on the field who are all way more interested in the brawl than they are in the game in which they are actual participants. Join the club, fellas!
1:16 -- Underrated comedy in the video -- the old dude in the Matt Ryan jersey standing in the middle of the steps screaming "Where's [somebody]?" It's like he's lost a relative in the melee, a relative who may or may not have been inadvertently swept onto the field in the mass of humanity that went over the wall, like a Pro Bowl tsunami.
1:23 -- Just when we think things are calming down, possibly wanting to make sure that retired players are repped in the brawl, Hines Ward Jersey Guy begins to get uppity and has to be held back by the ubiquitous Brett Favre Jersey Guy (one of them in every stadium). Apparently, Dan Marino and Jerry Rice Jersey Guys were getting beers.
1:37 -- Matt Ryan Jersey Old Guy is still walking around, clueless, asking, "Where's [someone]?" (Sounds like "Where's Chip?" which leads me to believe Green Hoodie might have been named "Chip" because Aaron Brooks Jersey Guy deposited him onto the field over a minute ago.)
1:50 -- Cameraman accurately tells the stadium police that he has "epic video of [the fight]." Not sure if the police really need to be concerned with the epicness of the video, but as evidence goes, it will certainly do.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.