Fan Fighting League, NFL Playoffs! Fat Charger Fans Bludgeon Fat Bronco Fan (w/ VIDEO)
Let's get ready to stumble...
Today was the first time I thought to myself that the Fan Fighting League might finally need it's own homepage, like with past results, standings, and maybe even a trade machine like ESPN.com's.
That's because I know we've seen Chargers fans participate in the fun at some point, but I couldn't remember when. As it turns out, it was the infamous "double bottle smash" with some Cowboy fans back in early October. But I actually had to go seek that out. How nice would it be if I had a quick reference point? (Answer: Incredibly awesome.)
So why is this relevant? Because Charger Fan is at it again. I mentioned in that post back in October just how underrated Charger Fan is in the fearsomeness and thuggishness departments. When you think of San Diego, you think of cool waves, seafood, laid back and and mellow bros.
Charger Fan is none of these things. Charger Fan bumps gangster rap at his tailgate at a decibel level roughly equivalent to a jet airliner landing. Charger Fan cracks bottles over random people's heads. Charger Fan has no race, for his skin color is "tattoo."
Above all, Charger Fan does not take kindly at all to strange jerseys at his fan rally, and we have the video to prove it.
In case you missed it, the Chargers 2013 season ended on Sunday afternoon with a 24-17 playoff loss in Denver to the Broncos. It was a sad finish to a surprisingly productive first season (and amazingly productive home stretch, 4-0 after a 5-7 start) under first year head coach Mike McCoy.
While many Chargers fans couldn't make the trip to Denver, this didn't stop them from watching the game back in San Diego and celebrating the end of a great step forward with a rally for the team in National City, CA on Sunday night. And all seemed to be going well....until a Denver fan in a Peyton Manning jersey (judging by his build and skin color -- 400 pounds and black --- I don't think it was the real Peyton) interrupted the proceedings.
The results were predictably violent, and chronicled by this video feed. Let's take a look then Zapruder this bad boy....
Let's break this one down, shall we? (WARNING: The video is jumpy, like if you strapped a camera to the head of a referee trying to break up a hockey fight. But we'll do our best.)
0:01 -- The scene is a Charger fan rally in National City, where the Charger fan base is celebrating their loss in the divisional round of the playoffs, or as Charger fans call it "the Super Bowl." There's a Charger fan in a "31 CROMARTIE" jersey bouncing through a crowd of people looking for someone.
0:05 -- Underneath the glimmer of police lights, the camera spins around to where we see Fake Cromartie squaring off against an extremely hefty man in a Peyton Manning Broncos jersey. This is exactly what it would look like if the actual Antonio Cromartie and actual Peyton Manning got into a fight after not sitting on the couch hooked up to a custard IV for four years.
0:08 -- Cromartie is wearing a headband, because drinking beer and eating nachos all day while watching football can be sweaty business. He also throws the first attempted punch of the event, a big roundhouse right which misses...
0:10 -- Manning tries to make it more of a grappling match, but honestly, unless this thing spontaneously morphs into a pie eating contest, I don't think Manning stands a chance.
0:11 -- Cromartie gets Manning down onto the sidewalk, and gives him a first class ticket to Poundtown (the one where you get your ass kicked, not the one where you're dropping the hammer on some chick). Right hand haymakers pummeling his sorry orange clad ass, and out of nowhere has come a second Charger fan. At least I think it is, he's not wearing any Charger gear. Maybe he's just some dude who was walking to Starbuck's, saw a fight, and decided that a fight looked like more fun than a venti mocha latte.
0:13 -- Come to think of it, dude doesn't really look like a coffee drinker.
0:14 -- Cromartie has switched over to kicking Manning in the stomach, and my guess is, given the size of said stomach, it will be at least another three days until Manning actually feels those kicks.
0:15 -- Now Manning is on his knees just covering up, trying to absorb the kicks. I feel bad for the guy, but how stupid do you have to be to show up at a Charger fan rally and strut around in a Peyton Manning jersey? This is like being showing up uninvited to the Lloyd family reunion wearing an Aaron Hernandez jersey.
0:17 -- Cops jump in on random Starbuck's Guy (that's what we'll call him, I guess), and walk Cromartie off to the side to cuff him. They also are laying on top of Manning, but my guess is the ten kicks to the head in six seconds probably calmed him down.
0:30 -- The cops cuffing Starbuck's Guy and Manning as they writhe on the ground is slightly reminiscent of a couple cowboys in a rodeo roping event, assuming the rodeo was all of a sudden held at Sea World and instead of calves the cowboys were required to rope whales.
0:32 -- Pretty sure Starbuck's Guy isn't wearing shoes, which means he might have been living in a nearby apartment and was taking out the trash when he saw a fight, and thought "Damn, that looks like fun!"
0:43 -- Cops are coming heavy making sure there are no more fights. As long as Fake Eli and Fake Cooper aren't lurking, all should remain peaceful from here on out.
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