Fan Fighting League! Packers vs Bills in a Frozen Fat Ass Match
Recently, there was a study performed on binge drinking in the United States, and it yielded some interesting (and perhaps slightly predictable) results.
It turned out that the No. 1 binge drinking state in the country was North Dakota. It was followed closely by Wisconsin. Next was Illinois. Ah, hell, I'll just give you the top ten right here.
They went like this:
1. North Dakota 2. Wisconsin 3. Illinois 4. Iowa 5. Minnesota 6. Montana 7. Nebraska 8. Alaska 9. Massachusetts 10. Michigan
Do you see a trend? These are all cold-weather states, and by and large, they're cold-weather states where there is absolutely nothing to do EXCEPT get shitfaced every night. People in these states are essentially professional drinkers, living in a near perpetual state of inebriation each and every day.
It just so happens that the two NFL outposts that most closely resemble the states repped in the above poll are Green Bay and Buffalo, two outdoor, butt-ass-cold metros where the only things sustaining the fans are NFL football and booze (and in Green Bay, cheese). So what happens when these two fan bases find themselves commingled at the Packers-Bills game last Sunday?
Well, they get drunk, and they get belligerent, that's what. And then they start fighting. Well, they actually start performing some sort of sperm whale mating ritual that resembles fighting.
All right, not exactly Raiders versus 49ers (the Fan Fighting Equivalent of "Hell in a Cell"). Actually, if we put together a Wrestlemania card of Fan Fighting, this is probably the opener, a couple of cold-weather curtain jerkers.
Nevertheless, let's Zapruder this bad boy, shall we?
0:01 -- Let's start with the angle this thing is shot from. Either the person shooting it was holding the camera in between his knees, or he's three feet tall. Lots of shots of random people's crotches. Amid the forest of knees and beefy thighs, we see a bubbling scuffle involving a crowd of fans.
0:08 -- We see the aggressor land the initial punch that ignites the scrum. It's difficult to tell if the punch connects, but the puncher is chased down by a dude in an Aaron Rodgers jersey as a guy in a Fred Jackson jersey steps in to try and help make peace.
SIDEBAR: How many teams have bleaker jersey situations than the Bills? I mean, Fred Jackson? Really? I'd say the Titans are clear bottom of the league (Bishop Sankey?), followed by Jacksonville (Bortles, i guess?), and then Tampa Bay and Buffalo are in the next tier of pathetic jersey star power.
0:13 -- In a metaphor for what occurred in the actual game on Sunday, Rodgers Jersey Guy gets his ski cap pulled over his face and is held at bay by three Bills fans while the prime Bills fan in this scuffle gets in a few uninspired punches that are so slow, it appears his arms weigh 75 pounds apiece.
0:17 -- Okay, in one of the more disturbing Fan Fighting League visuals, we get a full-on shot of the small of the Bills fan's back. The main problem with this is that the Bills fan in question is a dude and not some stripper from Tiffany's Cabaret. (Yes, I looked up "strip clubs in Buffalo" to make that reference.) Also, given how low this guy's jeans are riding with nary a sign of butt crack, there's a decent chance this man might be the only uni-cheek person (uncomfortably) walking the earth.
0:22 -- The only thing lamer and more docile than the crowd surrounding this fight is the ACTUAL fight itself!
0:24 -- Brett Favre Jersey Guy makes a late run in presumably to help out Aaron Rodgers Jersey Guy, although if the metaphor thing were to hold true with Rodgers Jersey Guy, Favre would hit him with a chair and rip off his Packers jersey to reveal a combo Jets/Vikings joint.
Not sure I know who won this one, not sure if I care. Back to binge drinking...
(h/t Busted Coverage)
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.