Fan Fighting League! T-Shirt Civil War in Jacksonville!
It never ceases to amaze me the extent that some people will go to in order to secure something for free.
In radio, we give things away on our shows on a nearly daily basis via contests and random call-ins. It doesn't matter if it's tickets to the most obscure musical act or a $5 gift card for cheese. If it's free, people will jam phone lines in a fraction of a second.
In fact, a few years ago, my then-cohost John Harris and I were joking on air about this very phenomenon, and we bet our producer that we could jam the phone lines if we gave away a cardboard paper towel roll center autographed by him. Needless to say, we very quickly and easily got to the designated winner (happened to be caller number 38, I think).
The same thing plays out every night at professional sporting events, where the T-shirt gun turns seemingly rational, well-off adults into jackals scrounging for a low-grade piece of fitted cloth for which you wouldn't pay three bucks at Target. (Yes, Rockets fans, I'm looking at you.)
Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals
TicketsSun., Nov. 19, 12:00pm
Rice Owls Football vs. North Texas
TicketsSat., Nov. 25, 12:00pm
Houston Texans vs. San Francisco 49ers
TicketsSun., Dec. 10, 12:00pm
Houston Texans vs. Pittsburgh Steelers
TicketsMon., Dec. 25, 3:30pm
Houston Open - Good Any One Day Grounds
TicketsSun., Apr. 1, 11:59pm
Now, it's one thing to scrounge for a T-shirt for an actual good team. But fighting for the right to show off your support of the Jacksonville Jaguars? Well, that's a whole other category of scavenger.
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to that whole other category of scavenger. Live from this past Thursday's game against the Tennessee Titans, here are two hefty Jags fans fighting for a free T-shirt. Because...well...IT'S FREE, that's why!
Let's take a look....
Okay, now let's do what we do. Zapruder time...
0:01 -- Right away, in the very first second of this video, you get a good look at the star of this video -- jersey-wearing Jag Fan's butt crack. What's up with these people who can't get jeans that properly fit? Anyway, JWJF is scrapping with two bald dudes (allegedly, this is all over a free T-shirt, although -- SPOILER ALERT! -- we never actually see the T-shirt in the video), a classic WWE rule breaker tag team move.
0:05 -- JWJF and one of the Baldies go down in a bear hug. On the way down, you notice that JWJF has the ever progressive phone-on-the-belt-clip, meaning this video could actually be from like 1999. Scanning the crowd for Mark Brunell jerseys...
0:06 -- The Baldie that's not in a bear hug is trying to pull JWJF off of his tag team partner by grabbing JWJF by his waistband, and Baldie #2's hand may actually be grazing sweaty butt crack. Safe to assume that it would be safer to stick your head into a vat of plutonium than it is putting your hand down the back of this stuck pig's pants.
0:07 -- Also joining in on the action is what appears to be a very attractive brunette who is trying to help pull JWJF off of his prey. She is basically the equivalent of the three-year-old who "helps move furniture" just so she can say she's helping out.
0:16 -- JWJF might be chewing on Baldie #1's head, and possibly just asked for some Tabasco sauce.
0:18 -- Baldie #1 responds by literally trying to remove JWJF's nose from his face. Stealth move would've been thumb to the eyeball. Nose rip is some amateur shit.
0:23 -- The coverage of the match ends with JWJF still trying to regain his advantage, but DAMMIT, the video is over! This is like an old episode of NWA wrestling where they'd make you come back to watch the following week if you want to see the end of the match..."Fans, we're out of time!! See you next week!!"
But wait! BONUS....next week is here! We have the next 30 seconds of footage! Unfortunately, the big winner in this clip? The police. Let's take a look...
0:01 -- We pick up the action with several outside people trying to pry these two combatants apart, like the ring filling up with jabronis from the dressing room who are trying to be "peacemakers". Of course, the one closest to the camera has jeans that are falling below the equator. Fortunately, this cat has the sense to wear a T-shirt two sizes too big and the crack stays covered.
0:08 -- One of the peacemakers is wearing a Jags-colored Santa hat, so that's happening.
0:14 -- JWJF ascends with the aid of law enforcement and immediately takes a poke at the first person near his free arm. His pants are now exposing multiple inches of butt crack.
0:21 -- Not a big surprise, but....DOWN GOES JWJF....AGAIN....
My main takeaway from all this -- I had no idea the Jags had this many fans, let alone multiple fans who would fight over the right to admit it via clothing!
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.