Fantasy Crime League Update: Chris Culliver Gets the 49ers on the Board in a Big Way!
For those who can't act right.
Graphic by Monica Fuentes
If you're outside the city of San Francisco, and you know the name of San Francisco 49er defensive back Chris Culliver, it's probably for one thing.
Back during Media Day, prior to Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans, Culliver did an impromptu interview with comedian Artie Lange where they discussed a number of topics, almost none of them football-related. Media day, y'all!
In that interview, Culliver infamously made these homophobic remarks:
Yeah, not exactly the most enlightened dude to begin with, and tack on that he's making anti-gay comments like this the week of the Super Bowl (time) as a member of the San Francisco 49ers (place), and we know that Chris Culliver is probably a card carrying member of the "0.0 Self Awareness Club," too.
So what happens when a somewhat volatile, possibly oblivious, definitely stupid NFL player gets heat from a civilian witness over leaving the scene of an accident where said NFL player hit a civilian bicyclist in his car?
SAN JOSE, Calif. -- San Francisco 49ers cornerback Chris Culliver had been released from jail early Friday evening following his arrest earlier in the day for felony hit-and-run and weapons possession, authorities said.
According to the San Jose police, they received a call at around 10:21 a.m. reporting that a bicyclist had been struck by a car that fled the scene at Tully near Senter Road in San Jose.
An eyewitness saw the accident and followed Culliver's vehicle until he cornered him in the area of Mekler Court. He attempted to block Culliver's vehicle from leaving.
Authorities said Culliver got out of his car, threatened the eyewitness with brass knuckles and then got back into his vehicle and fled. In the process, he struck the eyewitness' car. San Jose police arrived on the scene and took Culliver into custody without incident. A search of the vehicle uncovered the brass knuckles, authorities said.
He was arrested for felony hit and run for striking the bicyclist, reckless driving causing an injury, felony possession of brass knuckles and misdemeanor hit and run for the striking the vehicle.
The bicyclist was treated and released with minor injuries.
If you're keeping track, that might be the first "seven point in one incident" performance in the short history of the Fantasy Crime League. (Well, the first one not involving Aaron Hernandez, at least.) Two felonies and one misdemeanor! Strong play, indeed! Chris Culliver is a crime stat sheet stuffer!
Also, ummmm, brass knuckles? Who, outside of heel professional wrestlers, carries brass knuckles anymore? Why not just throw salt in the guy's eyes like Mr. Fuji? Or spew green mist in his face like Great Muta? Also, is there really a crime called "felony possession of brass knuckles"? So many questions...
For what it's worth, the 49ers issued this statement in the wake of Culliver's busy Friday morning:
"The 49ers organization is aware of the recent matter involving Chris Culliver. We will remain in contact with Chris and the local authorities as we continue to gather the facts regarding this situation. As this is an ongoing legal matter, we will reserve further comment at this time."
When Culliver made his ill-fated remarks to Lange in 2013, he apologized and underwent sensitivity counseling in an effort to rehabilitate his image.
It doesn't appear as though the counseling stuck.
FANTASY CRIME LEAGUE STANDINGS 1 point .. misdemeanor 3 points .. felony 10 points .. murder
49ERS .. 7 * 3/28/14: 49ers CB Chris Culliver is charged with felony hit and run, misdemeanor reckless driving, and felony possession of brass knuckles.
COLTS .. 3 * 3/16/14: Colts owner Jim Irsay is arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance (felony)
RAVENS .. 3 * 2/14/14: Ravens RB Ray Rice is charged with third degree assault. * 2/21/14: Ravens WR Deonte Thompson is arrested for suspicion of possession of marijuana. * 3/9/14: Raves OL Jah Reid is arrested on two counts of battery.
FALCONS .. 1 * 2/18/14: Falcons WR Roddy White is arrested for failing to appear in court.
TITANS .. 1 * 3/20/14: Titans DE Adewale Ojomo is arrested for solicitation of prostitution.
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