Five Do's & Don'ts for Tax Day 2013, Including Watching Lots of Sitcoms

Make your payment to the IRS, not for vintage vinyl from the legendary IRS label.
Make your payment to the IRS, not for vintage vinyl from the legendary IRS label.

Another April, another (goddamn) Tax Day.

The annual rite of paying taxes has been buffed up to a science by the media -- on no other day will you hear the term "Uncle Sam" used so often -- and all the people who have somehow forgotten this day was coming will be reminded ad nauseam.

Still, there are some tips you should keep in mind as Monday arrives and begins to depart.

Here are five:

5. Do not write "Obama SUCKS!!" across the address of your return. We mean, much as you might want to, we just have to recommend against it.

4. Playful banter between the anchor desk and the poor schlub who drew the Tax Day assignment. The 6 p.m. byplay: REPORTER: Well, there aren't many people out now, but we're expecting a lot of traffic before things close down here before 9!!!! ANCHOR DESK: Bob, I'm assuming you've got your returns already mailed, right? REPORTER: Well, to tell you the tru -- BOTH ANCHORS: Ooooooooooooh! Busted, Bob!! Better get to your taxes as soon as you get off work!! [Reporter gets cut off; two anchors continue chuckling into commercial for motor wheelchairs.

3. Please ignore the condescending CPA type who feels the need to lecture about how you fools have just lent Uncle Sam your return money for months by not filing on January 1. Yes, he's a tedious dude, but comfort yourself with thoughts of how he spent his New Year's Day (doing his tax returns on college football's biggest day, for crissake) -- as opposed to how you spent your New Year's Day, (Nursing a giant hangover and demanding the TV and all cheering be turned down.)  

The IRS discusses Felix's near-perfect tax returns with him.
2. Don't get sucked into a tax-return sitcom marathon. No sitcom has made it throughout its third season without doing a show on taxes, so you can take your pick. Watching all of them is a great way to procrastinate, which we really don't recommend. At all. But if you had to procrastinate, there's few better ways than sitting down with The Odd Couple. Their tax-return episode was titled "The Ides of March." 1. Go on, be a rebel -- file at a minute after midnight. Go to sleep with the odd rush of knowing that any second the IRS's SWAT team just might break down the door and toss in a couple of flashbombs, the bastards.

Note: Do not take this as actual tax advice.

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