Five Superheroes Who Need A Makeover More Than Wonder Woman
You might not know this if you don't follow superhero news, or news about dominatrix-type lasso-wielding heroines, but Wonder Woman is getting a new look. Gone are the star-spangled shorts, exchanged for black leather.
Why Wonder Woman? Here are five superheroes in much bigger need of a makeover than her.
1. The Flash
Okay, you're working the lightning-bolt motif here; we don't not love it, but it does bring to mind a bit of the ol' Reddi Kilowatt, maybe? The boots -- where do we begin? Unless the Andrea True Connection is making a comeback, best keep them in the closet. Speaking of being in the closet -- and we're not saying you are, necessarily -- find a way to emphasize the package a bit if you're wanting "More, More, More."
Again with the boots. Again with the winged helmet. Thor, we've got someone we think you'd like to meet.
First off, that belt buckle has to go. We've seen winners at the Houston Livestock Show & Rodeo sporting more modest stuff.
We're trying to feel where you're going with the whole "big metal buttons" thing, and we just can't get there. Maybe it's a Norwegian deal? Or Denmark, or wherever it is you're from? (No offense, it's just that we're warm-weather people here.)
And we hate to say it, but we have a sneaking suspicion there's a mullet under that helmet. (Love the wristbands, though!!)
Who died, Mr. Black-as-black-can-be? Oh. Your parents. In a brutal murder you had to witness as a child.
Okay then, go with the black. You've earned it. But did you ever think of yellow maybe for the belt? It'd be kicky!! Oh. You have. How about nipples on the suit? Oh.
You really have tried some things, haven't you? That's good. But can we make one teensy little suggestion?
They put us in mind of this little guy to the right here, and that can't be a good thing when it comes to instilling terror in the hearts of evil-doers.
Where to begin? First, kudos on the sea horse. We don't think we've ever seen such an angry seahorse. On the other hand, his body looks like a floatie an 8-year-old would use.
As with Thor, we have belt-buckle issues. Were you really concerned that people would not recognize you as Aquaman and would need the big "A" as a hint? ("No, dude, that can't be Scaleman -- he's got an 'A' on his belt.....Assman, maybe?") Plus, it just looks like you'll be getting a sharp poke in the stomach every time you bend over. Maybe you're into that, we don't know.
The shirt is nicely tight, the pants tuck into black boots....not a choice we ourselves would make, but not a disaster. But the gloves? You look like you're about to do the dishes.
We do have to compliment whoever does your hair. Even underwater, it keeps its shape!! It's just a secret between you and Rick Perry, right?
You know what? We're giving up on the belts. It's obviously just a world we'll never understand. Knock yourself out.
The logo, though. It's the worst chest decoration since Flavor Flav. It looks like it's velcro'd onto your shirt, like your mama was whipping up a last-minute costume.
The cape: A bit much? If you're going to wear Speedos, we assume you want to show off your butt. Maybe you just need a few more weeks in the gym; we understand.
We're not in love with the blue, to be honest. A little bright, wouldn't you say? Maybe you should go the Batman route, even if you didn't lose your parents in a tragic accident.
Oh. You did. Well, it's very nice you were able to bounce back so well. We're just saying maybe you could tone it down a bit.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.