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Five Texas Politicians Who Should Have Palin-style Internet Shows

Palin got her own Internet channel; maybe Perry will be next.
Palin got her own Internet channel; maybe Perry will be next.
Photo by Bryan Williams

We all thought Sarah Palin would be focused on seizing the White House, but this week she announced that she is seizing the Internet. Carpe diem! Or something.

Yep, the lovable former Alaska governor and infamous vice presidential candidate is offering herself up to the world via the Internet. You see, Palin believes that the media, that many-tentacled creature with its love of sound bites and politically correct filtering, has been keeping the real Palin from shining down directly on her audience. Well the filter is coming off and now you'll be able to get a dollop of Palin direct on her Internet channel by paying $9.95 per month or $99.95 per year.

As much fun as unmitigated and (theoretically) uncensored Palin will be, this got Hair Balls thinking of some Texas politicians we'd like to see spinning themselves out there in the Internet channel way. Here are the Top 5:

5. Wendy Davis. Since Davis vaulted onto the national political stage with her filibuster of an anti-abortion bill in the state legislature, she has turned her big moment in neon-pink running shoes into a bid to become the first Democratic governor since Ann Richards. That has since stalled out, at least according to the polls. Instead of the dynamic and intriguing political figure that we were presented with at the start of the Davis campaign, she has faltered and become kind of boring. Maybe, like Palin, the Davis channel could offer some "behind-the-scenes fun" to prove that Davis wasn't actually transformed into a political robot who only speaks in campaign speak. If it turns out she actually is a robot, it could still be fun to watch, especially if it turns out she's a real-world Lorelai Gilmore when she's not out campaigning.

4. Dan Patrick. Patrick is the guy most likely to be the next lieutenant governor, and the person holding a big chunk of the power is going to need an outlet. Back in a former life, Patrick was a TV sports reporter in Houston, so he's already got the on-camera experience. Maybe his channel can feature him sportscasting all of Texas politics, or calling the different developments horse-race style. That would be neat. We would totally watch that.  

3. Rep. Louie Gohmert. We're envisioning something like a real-life version of The Office. Even with his media filter firmly in place, Rep. Louie Gohmert is always saying things that make us sure the people of East Texas have repeatedly elected him to public office because they have a weird sense of humor. (It's either that or they agree completely with him, so we're going with funny.) Gohmert has so many interesting ideas, we want this guy to settle down in front of a camera and then have it simultaneously beamed out to the world. Gohmert is the guy who accused president Obama of prejudice against Mexicans because the president may allow Honduran children to stay in the U.S. but is still deporting Mexicans. We will happily pay to watch Gohmert and his circular logic in action, as long as said logic is broadcast directly to the interwebs without a smidge of editing. If he throws in candid interviews with his staff and the occasional reaction shot from one of the people who elected him, we won't be able to tear ourselves away.

2. The Castro brothers. The Castro brothers are pretty fancy pants these days. The twins came up fast and furious in politics, and their political stars continue to rise. Joaquin is already in the U.S. Congress, and Julian just became Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, making him both the youngest cabinet member and the highest-ranking Hispanic in the federal bureaucratic shindig. These are busy guys, and the kind that are likely to be on the political scene for some time. Since they're both awful busy, we're envisioning something like a puppy cam. The Castros can go about their business and we can watch them do fancy stuff like manage HUD and do congressional things, all while they each continue laying out the blueprints for their respective political careers. If they can occasionally dress up in matching outfits and sing like Parent Trap twins, that would be cool.

1. Gov. Rick Perry. Perry is wrapping up his time at the helm of the Lone Star State, and by all signs and auguries, the guy with the best political hair around is gearing up for another go at the White House. Why not set this guy up with some cameras and his very own Internet channel? It'll be like The West Wing! Or possibly House of Cards! There can be an episode on the border crisis, and a whole fleet of episodes on the inevitable pre-campaign warmup followed by the actual campaign. If Perry manages to somehow secure the GOP nomination (we're not betting on that one, based on 2012), the show can follow him all the way to the actual White House, with Sen. Ted Cruz popping up as his arch-nemesis. If Perry fails and heads to California as he has said he would, we can all tune in and watch him learn to surf and do yoga.


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