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Five Things Perry Should Take Back While Rolling Back His Gay Comments

It took long enough, but Gov. Rick Perry finally walked back his already infamous comments in San Francisco in which he compared being gay to being an alcoholic. While we admire that Perry at least may have been (probably accidentally) implying that sexual orientation is something you're born with, not something that "reparative therapy" can change, we're pretty sure he was only saying that by accident.

Now he says he should have stuck to the big picture of jobs and the economy and whatnot since everyone needs jobs. "I stepped right in it," he told the Christian Science Monitor on Thursday. An underwhelming statement, but for Perry that was practically an apology. This got us thinking about a few other things Perry has done and said that we wouldn't mind him completely taking back.

5. His presidential campaign. All of it. Speaking of stepping in it ("it" being a euphemism for a political feces storm), Perry used the same excuse for his entire 2012 run for the White House. His attempt to secure the GOP nomination was an unmitigated mess. He was sloppy -- aside from that gorgeous chestnut hair -- and at one point, mid-debate, he couldn't remember the name of the third federal agency he planned to cut if he became president.

Yes, Perry has the best political head of hair in American politics, but looking presidential doesn't automatically mean you should run. Especially when, due to back-pain medication or poor preparation or whatever, you prove you have no business in the I-wanna-live-in-the-White-House arena. Now, as Perry continues circling another run at the top job, he's admitted he had a poor showing last time around. But if he'd just step up and take the whole thing back, that'd be fine.

4. The hunting camp thing. Perry has a hunting lease up in Paint Creek and he's had it for years. Now, the hunting lease has been called "Niggerhead" for longer than anyone can remember, and the name was painted on a large flat rock that stood at the entrance to the camp for ages, according to the Washington Post, but you'd think that when Perry at least became governor, he would have instituted a policy of, you know, not using an incredibly racist and derogatory word in the name of his own friggin' hunting lease.

Texas has a crappy track record when it comes to racism, so you'd think in this day and age the head of the Lone Star State would realize that name is not cool and that he would have realized it years ago and painted over the rock and discontinued use of the name immediately. Well, you'd have another think coming because the rock wasn't painted over, people who are not Perry told the Post, and the rock was there with the name of the place on it for a long while. So yeah, can he undo this one entirely, please?

3. That time he didn't know where he was. Perry didn't let the disastrous White House run stop him. Nope, in 2013 he got back out there and got on the horse and into the national arena quicker than a duck on a june bug (or some other appropriate colloquialism) and immediately embarrassed himself by not knowing exactly where he was.

Specifically, he trotted out at RedState, held in New Orleans (a city in Louisiana that you may have possibly heard of), and told the crowd he was so happy to be in the great business-minded state of Florida. Someone in the crowd helpfully pointed out that he was actually in Louisiana, but it would have been nice if he had managed to know where he was without the aid of the audience.He can't really do anything about this one, but if he could make it a point to know where he is from now on, that'd be all right.

 

2. The British Petroleum oil spill bit. Specifically: "From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented." Well, this is technically true. Sometimes stuff happens and it was always going to happen and there's not much anyone could have done to prevent it. Like the San Francisco Earthquake or the tsunami that destroyed Fukushima Daiichi or the 1900 Galveston hurricane -- all natural disasters that pretty much were going to happen (the Japanese could have chosen to build a nuclear power plant in a better spot, yes, but that's a whole other matter.)

However, the BP oil spill was as man-made as a man-made disaster could be. There was a wellhead blowout, an explosion, the whole rig went down in flames and then oil started gushing into the Gulf. All unfortunate, but it was people out there drilling for the oil, folks, and there were shortcuts and poor inspections and all kinds of things that went into the deaths of 11 rig workers and about 4.9 million barrels of oil gushing into the Gulf. Just straight up take it back.

1. Stop talking about seceding. It's a thing some like to throw around in Texas, the fact that Texas joined the United States on the condition that we could quit the U.S. if we ever so chose. Most people seem to agree that the clause, while it makes us look fancy on paper, has pretty much been meaningless since the whole Civil War thing back in the day. But there are some who like to throw around seceding.

Perry even played up to the idea, telling an AP reporter after a Tea Party rally in 2009 the following: "Texas is a unique place. When we came in the union in 1845, one of the issues was that we would be able to leave if we decided to do that. You know, my hope is that America and Washington in particular pays attention. We've got a great union. There is absolutely no reason to dissolve it. But if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people, you know, who knows what may come out of that?"

The thing is, Perry wants to be president of the United States. That's hard to do if you are no longer a part of the country. This one in particular he needs to backpedal, just for the sake of his own ambitions.


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