Five Types Of Horror Movies That Suck
Horror movies walk a chainsaw-thin line between frightening and unintentionally hilarious. In fact, so many inadvertently end up on the wrong side of this boundary it's hard to compile a list of bad horror movies that numbers less than a thousand. For that reason, this list will includecategories
of horror movies rather than individual films. That ought to only leave, oh, 950 or so.
5. Any Stephen King Movie Released Between 1986 and 2006
The Lawnmower Man, Pet Sematary, Thinner, Sleepwalkers, The Dark Half...King is one of the most prolific writers of modern times, which has resulted in a staggering number of crappy movie adaptations. Sure, you've got Misery in there, but 100 shots of Kathy Bates whacking James Caan's ankle off its Y-axis with a sledge can't make up for the horror that is...Stephen King's beard. Uh, I mean...Maximum Overdrive:
King hasn't helmed another movie since.
4. Anything Directed by Uwe Boll
An easy target perhaps, but Herr Doktor Boll doesn't help his case by continuing to make the absolute shittiest movies imaginable. And while I know some folks prefer to loathe "Doctor" Tara Reid in Alone in the Dark or "Sir" Ben Kingsley in BloodRayne, I think the one that started it all -- House of the Dead -- is still his worst.
3. The 4th Movie in Any Horror Franchise
You could easily expand this to include any genre (Phantom Menace or Batman and Robin, anyone?), but it really holds true for the scary titles:
Saw IV -- How am I supposed to enjoy people getting tortured to death with all these goddamn flashbacks?
Alien: Resurrection -- Alien 3 was better, and that's saying something.
Halloween 4 -- This may be an exception, as anything would compare favorably to Season of the Witch.
Hellraiser: Bloodline -- Cenobites...in Spaaaaaaaace!
A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master -- Dokken singing the theme song in the third one was bad enough, but here we're stuck with...the Vinnie Vincent Invasion?
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter -- Really, were can you go after the 3-D sequel?
Jaws: The Revenge -- See above. Oh, and:
2. Any Movie with the Word "Leprechaun" in the Title
Let's be clear about something: the most horrifying things to come out of Ireland are banshees, U2's Pop album, and my wife's extended family. Leprechauns don't even come close. Thankfully, the makers of the inexplicably long-running series (five sequels so far) realized this early on, switching the tone from laughable horror to horrible comedy. This probably comes as small consolation to Jennifer Aniston, however:
1. Any M. Night Shyamalan Movie Released After 2000
The infamous "M. Night" twist was still a novelty when The Sixth Sense came out, and Unbreakable was actually a pretty nifty twist on the superhero movie. Since then, we've been stuck with [SPOILERS] aliens who are allergic to water landing on a planet three-quarters covered by it, a 19th-century village that isn't, "narfs," "scrunts," and killer trees.[/SPOILERS] Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me three more times, kiss my ass.
-- Pete Vonder Haar
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