Halloween is getting ever closer, and you're still undecided on your costume?
If you live in Houston, there are some choices available sure to strike terror, horror or sickening dismay into anyone who dares open their door to you.
Like these five:
5. Roger Clemens with a needle in his arm
"Trick of Treat!! I'm here to shatter your kids' last illusions!!" (Comes complete with Rusty Hardin sidekick costume, in which the person wearing it warns every household that the appearance of a dripping syringe in his roid-raged client's arm is no admission of any use of PEDs. He also constantly tries to get the guy in the Clemens costume to STOP TALKING, but gives up after yet another billable-hours invoice gets paid.
4. Yao Ming's foot
Talk about scary, hey kids? Homeowners see a giant foot coming to the door -- and then it trips!! Will it fall and break into a million fragile pieces, or will it survive (to fall and break into a million fragile pieces at the next house)? Suspense!!
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Well, not really "suspense," because you know at some point the foot's going to break, it being Yao and all. But still -- will it be at your house?
3. The Texans' defense without DeMeco Ryans
They ring the doorbell. You open it. The cat runs out, you yell "stop him!" They can't. Your toddler scoots out. You yell to catch him. They can't. Your 83-year-old great-aunt trundles by with her walker. She makes it to the street before they finally get her. Scary indeed. (Comes with Peyton manning sidekick costume, complete with Drool-o-Matic.)
2. Brett Favre's penis
Not technically connected in any way to Houston, but you know some frat boy is going to be attempting this somewhere in town.
1. Drayton McLane
As you try to give him candy to make him go away, he prattles on about the "great young team" he's got, while his entire suit lights up in neon advertising and he starts plastering bumperstickers all over every square inch of your house. Comes complete with Milo Hamilton mummy costume. (Warning: Nothing the Milo Hamilton costume-wearer says can be understood, except for the names of groups and companies attending the game.)