If you're one of the unlucky Jews who didn't get tickets to last night's sold-out Matzo Ball at the Drake and are fretting about what to do this Yuletide, don't despair - Hair Balls is here to offer Five Things For Jews to Do on Christmas. This year, skip the Chinese food and movie marathons!
Heavy Solitary Drinking: We're not sure what Specs' holiday hours are, but even if they're closed, chances are there's a mom-and-pop near you, or maybe a gas station, that has plenty of spirits (and by "spirits," we mean "gigantic plastic jugs of cheap fortified wine") on hand for gentiles who believe Christmas Day is best spent laying face-down on the floor in intermittent spurts of consciousness.
Watch Tons of Porn: During the hectic workweek, you probably don't get a lot of time to watch Meat Pushin' in the Seat Cushion 2, or any other classic titles criminally overlooked by the Criterion Collection. Well, since everyone you know will be busy "celebrating" with "family," you'll have the privacy and time to pick up on subtle nuances you may have missed on previous viewings. Hey - what do you think Santa does during the other 364 days of the year?
Play Monopoly: Well, you actually won't be able to play with anyone, but you'll definitely have first crack at the playing pieces. Always dug the shoe, but just never got the chance? Today's your day.
Laugh at People Even Less Fortunate Than You: You think the chosen people have it bad today? Get in the car and take a trip to Hobby or Intercontinental, and take a gander at the poor souls trapped in an airport, thousands of miles from their loved ones. Schadenfreude never felt so good. [Hint: also works at bus stations and jail].
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Write a Novel: You don't have to finish it, but you can at least start. Everyone has a great American novel lurking in them somewhere, or at least a not-really-that-crappy American novel. Now's your chance to turn that dream into reality. And if you're not sure how to even start, Hair Balls will provide you with some killer opening lines to wet your creative whistle.
After the bullets started to fly, Detective Lewis turned the key and jammed the pedal to the floor. But when he checked on his partner Dave, who was a chimpanzee, he saw that the seat was covered in blood. "Don't you die on me, you hairy bastard, don't you die!" he screamed.
Maria never thought she'd fall in love again, especially to another man with no arms. But when Alonzo brushed her hair from her eyes with his nub, she felt like her heart was beating for the first time since that fateful day that Bill tried to drive a go-kart.
Grandma took one more hit off the crack pipe and got out of bed. As I watched her check her colostomy bag in the mirror, I thought to myself, "You're the luckiest guy in the world." But then I felt that old familiar pain. The pain of forbidden love. The pain of having to hide what made us the happiest.
There you go! Now you have no excuse not to have a merry Christmas. And remember: Jesus was a Jew, too, and on his birthday, he definitely would want you to turn that frown upside down!
-- Craig Malisow