If there is one thing technology is good for, it's killing time. Yes, there are also databases and documents and blah, blah, blah. But, we all know the main reason God killed the dinosaurs and invented the Internet was so we could waste time watching videos of people falling down and animated GIF's of Michael Jackson eating popcorn.
Fortunately for you, my dear graduate, most of the same stuff available to you on your laptop when you were high in your dorm room -- ahem, I mean studying -- is accessible through your phone. So, when you are bored to tears during the speeches of the Little Miss Know-It-All valedictorian and whatever blowhard senator or business guy they stick in front of you during commencement, you'll have plenty of options to distract you before you walk on stage, get your diploma and rip open your robe to reveal your only clothing is a sock covering your genitals. Here are a few to consider.
5. Post angry comments on a blog. Nothing prepares you for the "real world" like visiting a blog or news Web site and leaving crazy, anonymous rants about Obama or illegal immigration. If you are feeling particularly grumpy, trying leaving a comment like, "Way to go, Houston Press. Yet another lame excuse for journalism." It's insightful and original.
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4. Play a game. Obviously, there are a myriad of games available out there, but think about doing a quick search for someone else in the audience interested in a little multi-player action. If the other person is hot, this could be a nerd love connection! And, if everyone else is being boring and paying attention, solitaire is always an option and, let's be honest, if you are killing time at your graduation nerding out to solitaire, you might want to get used to "solo play," if you know what I mean.
3. Do some sexting. If you want to spice up your time in the auditorium, try out a little sexting. Unless your significant other has a last name with the same letter as yours, there is a good bet he/she is far enough away to make your little game of digital cat and mouse all the more interesting. And, if you are feeling particularly ribald, send a naughty text to that hot chick who is way out of your league. She isn't close enough to slap you and, after today, you'll probably never see her again anyway. You've got nothing to lose!
2. Surf the Web for cheap booze. Every graduation has to come with an alcohol-laden after party and when you show up with booze you ordered online, you will be the king of the festivities. With all the money you saved buying it online, people will think your major was finance, not medieval literature and folklore.
1. Watch porn. When all else fails, there is always your old friend porn. It's been there for you through thick and thin, good times and bad. Now, more than ever, you need the comfort of two girls doing it on a bearskin rug while you contemplate your future as a productive member of society and the United States workforce. God bless America.