Five Ways To Sex Up Your Thanksgiving
Is there a less sexy holiday than Thanksgiving? Sure, Memorial Day can be a downer, what with all the remembering the heroic dearly departed. And Columbus Day gets into all that stuff about Europeans spreading STDs like a rogue fraternity with a big-time roofie pipeline.
But Thanksgiving? Really not much to work with there.
Still, all is not lost. Here are some tips on how to make this upcoming Thanksgiving the sexiest one of all.
1. Turkey Basters.
An enduring part of lesbian lore. Sure, it involves that part of lesbian lore where two women have settled down for a comfortable relationship (according to another part of lesbian lore, that would be the second date), but it also involves vaginas. So whenever grandma gets going on another boring story around the turkey, just let your mind drift off to....turkey basters. Involving Penelope Cruz, somehow. (Not pictured: Penelope Cruz.)
2. Sexy Pilgrims!!!
Sure, not even Winona Ryder -- back when she was really Winona Ryder -- could pull it off, but maybe you know someone who can. Probably not with this outfit, though. Unless you're in the Taliban, in which case you would be outraged.
3. Remember Phoebe Cates working over that carrot in Fast Times at Ridgemont High?
If you really want to impress everyone, use a drumstick instead. Fat-end first, of course.
Rice Owls Mens Basketball vs. St. Thomas University Men's Basketball
TicketsWed., Dec. 21, 7:00pm
Advocare V100 Texas Bowl
TicketsWed., Dec. 28, 8:00pm
Rice Owls Mens Basketball vs. Middle Tennessee State Univ Blue Raiders Mens Basketball
TicketsThu., Jan. 5, 7:00pm
PRCA XTreme Bulls
TicketsFri., Jan. 6, 7:30pm
4. Three words: Pumpkin-Pie-Filling Wrestling.
Much less gross than Jell-o. Ooops - this ain't the year for it.
5. Whatever you do, don't do this.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.