As was announced yesterday, the not-so-belovedFlagship Hotel in Galveston
is being torn down so Tilman Fertitta's Landry's Restaurants can build an amusement park on its pier.
What sort of attractions should be offered at the new destination? We have a few suggestions.
5. The Balinese Room Exhibit
NOT a freaking whitewashed, family-friendly recreation of the notorious gambling den, please. Remember those mannequin-type things that used to populate the Railroad Museum in Galveston before Ike washed them away? Get the same guy to replicate a scene of Frank Sinatra getting a blow job in the Balinese dressing room before a show. Put a little extra money into it and make them animatronic. Frank would have wanted no less.
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4. The TV Reporter Ride
Visitors don logo-embossed raingear and get ready to do a stand-up on how Hurricane Whatever is bearing down on the island and authorities have long ago ordered an evacuation, and only an idiot or a frighteningly ambitious TV reporter would still be outside in this weather. The industrial-sized fan last used in A Perfect Storm is set on full power, daring you to keep your feet as buckets of windblown spray blind you. As you get thrown against the padded walls, a soothing anchorperson's voice tells you to "be careful out there." Just as in real life, the anchor won't even know your name unless it's written on the TelePrompter.
3. Build Your Own Ridiculously Vulnerable Beach Home!!
A tabletop model of the West End of the island sits before you as, using a computer and 3-D imaging, you "build" a vacation home -- or hey, think big!! -- a resort development that is the real-world equivalent of six inches from the high-tide mark. Watch in awe as a Cat 1 hurricane or even a tropical depression washes it all away, then clamor for taxpayer money to help you out of your "crisis." Repeat ad nauseam.
2. The Brandon Backe Wedding Whack-a-Mole
Re-enact the famous wedding party attended by former Houston Astro Brandon Backe that resulted in what was called "a riot" between guests and Galveston police. Kids are outfitted with a badge, a hat, a baton and an attitude; when the game operator says anything that might be construed as not giving the GPD all the respect it so richly deserves, start whacking away. (Also features a version where all the "moles" are black; no starting remark is needed -- just begin whaling away whenever you feel like it.)
1. The Tilman Fertitta "Just Give Me Money" Ride
An exciting duplication of the thrills provided by the Kemah Boardwalk, this attraction features a park attendant with his hand out. Riders simply keep handing over money for no good reason. Don't worry: an ATM is handily located nearby.