Football! This Weekend's Best Bets, Another Crappy Notre Dame Video Edition
Bet, don't breathe.
Popcorn lung. Apparently, that's a thing.
On Wednesday, a federal jury awarded a Denver man named Wayne Watson $7.2 million from various food companies after they determined that the respiratory problems he developed in 2007 were due to his frequent inhalation of the buttery aroma from microwave popcorn, hence the affliction "popcorn lung." They were NOT, according to the jury, due to the years of working with carpet cleaning chemicals in his regular job.
Makes perfect sense.
I bring this up NOT because this is yet another reason for the terrorists to hate us. I bring this up NOT because my faith in mankind, ever unstable to begin with, has now been rattled to an extent measurable only on a Richter scale. I bring this up NOT because I am now pondering burying my face in a bowl of Orville Redenbacher's for the next three days.
I bring this up because Wayne Watson may need a place to invest that $7.2 million. That's where I (and my 8-4 record so far this season) come in. Best bets time!
(Friday night) Baylor -7 over LOUISIANA-MONROE I was really hoping that Louisiana-Monroe would find a way to knock off Auburn in overtime last week just to see which AP pollsters and coaches would have the stones to put the Warhawks in the top 25. As many patsy games as the big boys play early, it's inarguable that their body of work would have been one of the 25 best in the country. But alas, Gene Chizik found a way to knock off a Sun Belt Conference team at home in overtime...because when you're the "best," you find a way.
Um...anyway, say what you will about Arkansas and Auburn being down this year, the cumulative effect of the physicality of both teams has to catch up with ULM at some point. Why not this weekend against Art Briles and easily the best offense (with Tyler Wilson missing a huge chunk of that Arkansas game) that the Warhawks have faced so far this season?
Michigan +5 over NOTRE DAME I love my alma mater, but there are times where they make it awfully difficult to do so. Take today, for example. From the school that gave you Freekbass and this atrocity...
...I give you this public service announcement...
...in which apparently the message is "You better stand up during a big play or your wife will grab you by the ear and yank you out of your seat."
Flawed on so many levels:
1. As few women as there are in this world who would unconditionally stand during a game (compared to the number of men who would do so), the odds of the dork in this video ("I CAN'T SEE!!!) pulling one of those women are incalculable.
2. When the
possibly coked up spaz who obstructs dorky guy's view initially goes apeshit, everyone else in the section is sitting down. I would argue that the public service announcement should be more geared toward that guy's behavior.
3. Okay, seriously, Notre Dame? You want the stadium to be louder and provide a home-field advantage, I get it. But you really think the non-standers in the stadium are going to say to themselves, "I wish everyone would just sit down...OH WAIT! THAT'S RIGHT! THE STAND VIDEO!!! I need to STAND!!!" And incidentally, what is the real message of this video? Stand up at the game, or else your neighbor is allowed to violently yank you up by your ear?
Anyway, you've embarrassed me yet again, Notre Dame. Your punishment? I'm picking the Wolverines to cover the spread. You better go win this game by less than five, Irish, or else.
Marshall/RICE OVER 70 1/2 Marshall is 102nd in total defense, Rice is 121st. So on a day where the Rice Owls have their first all-you-can-eat and all-you-can-drink pregame tailgater (good troughs still available), gluttony reigns! Points will be all-you-can-SCORE! We're going over, baby! Lions -3 1/2 over TITANS Most seasons, it's pretty easy to pick out three or four of the five teams who are going to be utterly horrific, like "what size jersey does Matt Barkley wear" horrific. Like this year, we know Cleveland, Miami and Jacksonville are going to be complete garbage. But there's always a team or two that were 8-8/9-7-ish the year before who people thought might be sneaky and wind up being the complete opposite. (Last year's sneaky-turned-sour team? Tampa Bay, who went from 10-6 to 4-12.)
The Titans might be this year's candidate. Between Chris Johnson running scared and blaming everyone else, and Jake Locker being, well, Jake Locker, Tennessee has major 4-12 potential. After an escape in Week 1 versus St. Louis and a sound thumping at the hands of San Francisco on Sunday night, the Lions are due to kick someone's ass. It'll be Tennessee's ass.
CHARGERS -3 over Falcons It's appropriate that we get the Michael Turner Bowl, the battle between his past and present employers, just one week after Turner's post-game DUI arrest early Tuesday morning. Amazingly, Turner managed to make himself the biggest story on a Monday night in which a) Peyton Manning threw three first-quarter interceptions and galvanized Colts nation more in a Bronco uniform than he ever could have wearing a Colts uniform in 2012, and b) the replacement officials practically forced Roger Goodell to sign a new agreement with the real refs at midfield during the second quarter because they were so incompetent.
I was crunching the numbers earlier today, after seeing reports that Turner's blood alcohol content was .109 and reading bites of the police report laying out timeframes:
"I pointed out the fact to him that I could still smell the strong odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from his breath," the officer wrote in the report. "He stated he had a couple shots while at Magic City in Atlanta. He stated he had consumed the alcohol around 3 a.m. due to getting there late. He was able to say he has less than 10 shot(s), but approximately 5 shots. I asked him if the shots were normal size and he stated they were in cups, not shot glasses."
Good lord, Turner's math is fuzzier than a politician's. A couple shots became "less than 10" and then "approximately five." If indeed it was 3 a.m. when Turner began drinking (not a reach at all considering the game ended around 12:15 a.m. local time and he probably had several post-game commitments, media and otherwise), then how many drinks would it take for a 245-pound man to blow a .109 in roughly an hour of drinking? (Turner was pulled over shortly after 4 a.m.)
According to my BAC calculator app on my iPhone, a 245-pound man would need eight shots in one hour to blow a .109. So to be fair to Turner, it was indeed fewer than ten shots. This doesn't make him any less of an alcoholic, just a bit more accurate of a drunken drink estimator.
BRONCOS +2 1/2 over Texans So I got the weekly e-mail from my guy Jimmy Shapiro for bovada.lv today, outlining all of the revised Super Bowl odds and odds on conference and division winners, and if you think the Texans aren't getting the respect they deserve, Texan fan, consider this:
1. The Texans' odds of winning the division are 1/20 right now. Basically you have to risk $2,000 just to win a measly $100. They're by far the biggest favorite on the board to capture their division. Next closest? San Francisco at 2/9 (or 1 to 4.5).
2. The Texans are right now the favorite to win the AFC at 5/2. They actually play the next three teams on the board during the regular season -- New England (11/4), Baltimore (6/1), Denver (15/2).
3. The Texans' odds to win the Super Bowl are 7/1 -- same as the Packers, who in the last two seasons have won the Super Bowl and gone 15-1 in the regular season.
And now the Texans are a favorite on the road against Peyton Manning (who they've never beaten on the road) as they try and go 3-0 on the season (which they've never done). So two wins over crap teams, and this is it, the Texans are all of a sudden the chalk in the AFC? Sorry, this just feels like too much too soon to me. I took the Broncos to win this game in my season preview, and I'll stick with it here, too. I hope I'm wrong.
Last week: 3-3 Season record: 8-4
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
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