Yep, it's time again for Football U., in which Richard Connelly and John Nova Lomax go head-to-head, dissecting college pigskin games, and sometimes, mascots. Love the picks? Hate 'em? Leave your picks, takes or shit-talk in the commnets section.
This week, once again, the Longhorn Nation is in shock.
Not because they discovered they had somehow scheduled a community college like Sam Houston, or that they had actually managed to beat Oklahoma — it's becoming obvious that the wrong Coach Stoops stayed in Norman — but because, as Joseph Conrad might write if he were ever to tackle the Heart of Darkness that is college football: Mistah Bevo, he dead.
Until the Miami finally takes its "Tha U" image to its logical conclusion and adopts a blunt-smok ing, Escalade-driving, Glock-toting, grill-sporting gangbanger as its sideline mascot (and we're not saying that would be a bad thing), Bevo stands tall as the most fitting symbol of a university's football fans.
The self-important, swaggering boors who make up the high-dollar levels of the Texas Exes are represented by a cow who travels in pampered style, watches games in an intoxicated stupor, and cares so little for decorum that he shits in other people' s living rooms and brags about it (in Bevo's case, on the "N" on Nebraska's 50-yard-line).
The fact that Bevo is a de-balled steer, we leave that to you to ponder.
Colorado's buffalo storms across the field to lead the team out before every game. Tommy the Trojan gallops down the sidelines on Traveler when USC scores.
Chief Osceola charges over the Doak Walker Stadium turf to plant a burning spear before every kickoff, triggering awful memories in FSU's Bobby Bowden about his childhood days, when Indian attacks were still to be feared nightly.
What does Bevo do? Sit on his plump ass and get spoon-fed gourmet eats. Kind of like what happens in the superboxes at Memorial Stadium.
At any rate, Bevo is dead, long live Bevo. We're sure the new one will occasionally lift its head as the team puts up 70 points on the directional schools of the world.
It's pretty much a dog schedule in the NCAA this week, but picks must be made:
Florida - Auburn: Will a point be scored by anyone but a kicker in this thing? Probably, but it'll be by one or both of the defenses, and the talking heads will be creaming themselves over how hard-hitting and tough those SEC defense are, as opposed to how inept and comical SEC offenses are. Florida QB Chris Leak continues on his quest to answer the question "Who do I have to blow to get people to stop chanting for Tim Tebow?" Auburn 13-3.
Michigan - Penn State: Nittany Lions' coach Joe Paterno, the only NCAA coach who calls Bobby Bowden "sonny," woke up this week with a brilliant idea to transform offensive football: drop the wing-T formation and throw the ball. His staff was spared yet another of their many "Ummm, Coach, that already happened a looong time ago" moments because, despite a night-long search, Paterno couldn't find the Pony Express office he was looking for to contact them about his brainstorm. Michigan 42-14.
Houston - Southern Miss: The Coogs choked it up against UL-Lafayette last week, so who knows what they'll do this week? And how many people are going to care? Answers: a) Win, just to remain inconsistent; and b) Very, very few. UH 33-24.
UT - Baylor: What with all the cow-worshipping UT does, this has the flavor of a Hindu-Baptist slugfest. Vishnu kicks Jesus's ass, then worries about bad karma. But even with Mack Brown coaching, Baylor ain't beating UT for a long, long time. UT 56-21.
Lomax smacks Connelly, after the jump...
Sad, Rich, truly heartbreaking that the death of a living creature has brought you to such an unseemly state of schadenfreude. And there's nothing more pitiful than mascot smack — it's obvious to all ten of our loyal readers that the mighty Horns on-field performance last weekend has rendered you speechless on subjects of actual merit.
But since you started it....What the fuck is up with that walking ethnic slur Notre Dame allows on the sidelines of its games every weekend? A year or so back, I had my DNA tested, and the results proved conclusively that I was of Irish extraction. Ever since then, I have been deeply offended by such blatant stereotyping of my people. It pains me that my ancestors -- some of whom probably had cousins who might have died in the Potato Famine or at the hands of that Protestant bastard Oliver Cromwell -- are grossly insulted every week by this shillelagh-wielding, green pants-wearing, plug-hatted "leprechaun." They might as well just go whole-hog and have him waving a pint of Tullamore Dew around out there, cursing the "feckin' English" and setting off car-bombs in the opposing teams' locker room.
And seeing as "Connelly" is, I believe, an Irish name, and that you apparently have no objections to this crass exploitation of our people's suffering, I am left with the idea that you are one of those "self-hating Irishmen" I hear about at my Ancient Order of Hibernians meetings, or worse still, you're an Uncle Paddy.
On, with a heavy heart, to this week's sorry-ass Big 12 picks.
Iowa State - Oklahoma: Adrian Peterson's fading Heisman hopes should get a 200-yard-plus jump-start here. Last week, Nebraska went through the Cyclones like a baby carrot through a guinea pig, and Husker halfback Cody Glenn is no AD. What's more, the Cyclones feeble rushing attack made Nebraska's D look like the Blackshirts of yore, churning out a Texans-like 53 yards on 24 carries. Sooners 37, Cyclones 10.
Oklahoma State - Kansas: Both these teams choked in the fourth quarter last weekend. The Jayhawks squandered an eleven-point lead to A&M, while the Cowboys pissed away a ten-point margin in the final three minutes. Who will triumph in this Choke Bowl? Kansas, we guess, but honestly, we don't give a shit, even if a berth in the Angelfire.com Bowl in Macon, Georgia is on the line. Jayhawks 20, Cowboys 17.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Missouri - Texas A&M: I'm done picking against Missouri. They are as "for real" as any team in the Big 12 North can be, which is to say a legit member of the "others receiving votes" list. Chase Daniel (with a name like that he better be the QB) and company will drive another nail in Dennis Franchione's very expensive, Little Debbie-stocked coffin at Kyle Field by the score of 34-24. Contrary to what was predicted here last week, this is the week that hapless Aggie cornerback Jordan Peterson gets, as my fellow Irishman Shane McGowan of the Pogues once put it, "spat on and shat on and raped and abused."
Texas Tech - Colorado: Tech has been a mild disappointment this year, but the Buffaloes season has gone about as well as your average Guns N' Roses tour. They're already starting to wonder in Boulder if they hired the right guy off the Boise State staff, as former offensive coordinator / current head coach Chris Petersen has the blue field boys off to their customary 6-0 start, while his old boss has reversed that record in Boulder. And Dan Hawkins's woes will continue this week, as the Red Raiders roll 31-15.
Baylor - Texas. Some Baylor scrub is predicting an "I-35 Surprise" this weekend. Of course, he did last year too, and the only surprise in that 62-0 drubbing was that long-time Longhorn QB understudy Matt Nordgren scored a TD on a 15-yard run, one on which he actually dribbled the ball Aussie Rules-style. Horns 45, Bears 9.
Nebraska - Kansas State: Hard to believe, but true: Nebraska hasn't won in Manhattan since "Macarena" ruled the charts. (1996) Expect that to change this weekend, as Nebraska rolls 26-17 on to their November 4 punking at the hands of Missouri for the Big 12 North title.