(For a list of our ten worst national flags, click here.)
As we are sure you are no doubt keenly aware, Flag Day is tomorrow. We could give you a list of the ten prettiest flags, but we are Hair Balls, and that's not the kind of crap we like to cough up.
Here instead is a list of ten state flags to run up the flagpoles of your worst enemies:
10. Nevada This one is just frustrating. For a state seal, it's actually really well-composed: orderly, not too busy, pretty components. But then they went and tucked it in the upper left corner like they were trying to hide it. Move it to the center and this would be a top 15 flag.
9. South Dakota North Dakota's flag kicks 12 kinds of ass, but South Dakota's is just pitiful; with that "Mount Rushmore State" slogan, their flag teeters close to advertising, as if Florida slapped "The Disney State" on their banner. It's almost impossible to see what's going on in that seal, but it's a picture of people mining, smelting and farming. Fun!
8. Oregon What's this? A two-sided flag. Leave it to those Portland hipsters to salute vinyl LPs with their flag. But still we say: Make up your mind! Side A, with all the writing and crap, is lame. Side B, with the simple picture of a plump lil' beaver, is much better. Go with that one, vagina references be damned.
7. Ohio The Nepal of U.S. flags; as with Nepal, it would look better as the standard for a cavalry brigade than anything else.
6. Delaware Dates on flags are always lame; and like Belize, Delaware has a little Village People action going on. And then you've got that cow or goat or whatever it is and that seashell and that tiny ship and all that gold leaf. Too much stuff, Delaware!
5. Hawaii. Why on earth we admitted these guys as the 50th state with the friggin' Union Jack on their flag has always puzzled me. The French and the Poles don't put swastikas on their flags to remind them of the time when they were in the Third Reich. Why should an American state offer an official homage to our former colonial overlords?
4. Mississippi See Hawaii, only more so. Hey Mississippi, this is a great century we're living in. Come join it!
3. Alaska The Big Dipper and the North Star. On a plain blue background. Boring. Alaska's a badass place. Better options would be a Kodiak bear, a bald eagle ripping up a salmon, or a portrait of the late Captain Phil Harris sucking down a Marlboro in the wheelhouse of the Cornelia Marie.
2. Alabama Don't adjust your computer screens, kiddos, that big red X you see there is the legit Bama banner, not a message that the picture's been taken down.
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1. Kentucky Aw man. That looks like a Franklin Mint commemorative plate garnished with bay leaves and buttercups. Tacky, tacky, tacky, and way too much writing on there to boot.