For Spring Break: The 10 Weirdest Condom-Related Items on Etsy & eBay
Spring Break is on the horizon, beginning for some people this weekend.
College kids will head to spots in Texas or Florida, cram themselves into motel rooms, hope they don't get so drunk they pass out and wake up with their faces transformed into a piece of Sharpie art, and just have fun.
Which means sex. Which means condoms, good Lord.
As a public service, we searched eBay and Etsy for condom-related stuff, and luckily our search was rewarded with these ten gems:
10. The least intimidating Viking ever. Look, getting laid for the first time can be nerve-wracking, what with all the worrying about whether you're doing it right or not. But we don't think anyone looks as frightened and shaken at the thought of sex as this Viking. Don't let him throw you off your game, whatever you do.
9. Your basic knitted condoms. Wait, are those thighs, or fingerprint-less fingers? Because, you know, that could make a big difference in how the night will go.
8. The best baby hat ever. It is, officially, Timmy the Broken Condom. And you can choose what color Band-Aid you want! (See it, next to the reservoir tip?) Kids love it!
7. Droll. Very droll. You'll be the life of the party when you pull out this gag-ariffic laff riot!! We can't pretend to understand the whole "Frigid Midgets with Rigid Digits" concept, but maybe you need a small dick to get it.
6. Earrings. Those are pictures on cork earrings, if you're wondering. Says the seller, " If you prefer your earrings to be studs, then please add a note for me when you purchase any of my earrings." Laaaayyyyy-deeee, it ain't the earrings they're preferring to be studs.
5. "Patrick the Policeman" condom. Theis so-called "Condom Cutie" can serve as one last-ditch warning if you're not quite sure that "Ohio State sophomore" is 16 or not.
4. A condom tin. When you're reaching for protection, nothing keeps you in the mood better than being reminded of half-starved oppressed natives all but slaving so you can have sex without fearing the giant hassle of taking this girl to the abortion clinic if you can't lose her.
3. Another rubber tin. Cocks are for peeing, y'hear me, son!?!?!?! If ye are so much as thinking of sticking yer John Thomas in yonder ladyparts, I'll cut it off for ye quicker 'n' ye can say, "Me dick's gone!!!" (Another tin to put you in the sexual mood.)
2. Pillow Talk We're telling you, nothing guarantees you scoring like bringing a bright young woman into your bedroom and showing her your condom pillow. If that doesn't scream "class," we don't know what does!
1. A condom mold. A glass condom mold, to be exact. It seems they're kinda cheating by shining a light on the coin that's there to provide perspective. Is it a big ol' quarter, or a tiny nickel trying to make the rubber look larger? Because we're only shopping in the quarter aisle, if you get our drift, and we don't want to have to return anything.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.