For Your Viewing Pleasure: Zapruder-Like Breakdown of a Crotch-Grabbing, Register-Slapping, Slip-Sliding Robbery Attempt
Break out the telestrator for this one, boys.
Choreographed like a Joffrey ballet, the best convenience-store robberies are intricately designed Matrix homages that feature split-second timing.
And then there's the one that went down in the 11200 block of FM 529 July 20. Crime Stoppers is looking for help in finding these perpetrators, and from the looks of the surveillance video, the perps themselves are looking for a little help in just how best to pull such jobs off.
We break it down for you, Zapruder-style!! (Or should it be Pendergast-style by now?)
The breakdown: 0:07 -- The truck pulls up, the two guys get out. The passenger starts strolling towards the door and -- WAIT FOR IT -- forgets to go into the legendary "Robber's Crouch." Bend over, man!!! Minimize that target!!
0:20 -- Uh-oh, happy feet. Guy in the red shirt looks like Vince Young in the pocket with a blitz dialed up. This will not go according to plan.
0:24 -- Bafflement at the clerk's POV. Wow, things look really different from behind the counter!! Look at this display! And this one!! They're totally reversed!!
0:25 -- The Rubik's Cube of Cash Registers rears its mysterious, secret self. A blocklike piece of plastic, in which we're pretty sure reside untold bounties of cash! How best to open it? Slap once! No, wait -- slap twice!!
Amazingly, this doesn't work. Foiled by modern science!!
0:33 -- Not completely empty-handed. He may not have any cash, or even a Bimbo or two, but he's got nuts to flex and you best be aware.
0:34 -- Still, a little practice wouldn't have killed ya. Just couldn't plant the landing, as they say in the Olympics.
Crime Stoppers says one clerk was shot in the incident and remains in critical condition. So let's get these dudes behind bars where they belong.
Call 713-222-TIPS and get yourself some of that sweet, sweet reward money.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.