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Forget Reagan's Blood: 5 Other Presidential Fluids That Should Be Auctioned

A European auction company says it plans to sell a vial of Ronald Reagan's blood, taken on the day of his attempted assassination.

While any number of Republicans might like to own the fetishistic object in order to aid their rituals which banish from memory all the things Reagan did that meant he couldn't win a GOP primary today, we think it's a little weird.

But if Presidential body fluids are going to be a marketable thing, why stop at blood?

These five items should also be available for purchase.

5. Andrew Jackson's saliva Jackson was a courier in the Revolutionary War and became the only president to have ever been a prisoner of war. During his captivity, a (suitably pompous, we assume) British general told him to spit-shine his boots.

Jackson told him no in a very colorful way, and ended up with lifelong scars on his arms and face.

4. William Henry Harrison's phlegm The hero of Tippecanoe was elected president in 1840, and Inauguration Day 1841 was cold and wet. Harrison went all Bowie Kuhn and didn't wear a topcoat. He also went on to deliver the longest-ever inaugural address (two hours), then appeared in the parade.

A month later, he died from pneumonia.

3. Bill Clinton's jism Hey, you knew that one was coming. So did he. Although he could have had better aim, in terms of leaving evidence.

 

2. George H.W. Bush's tears The elder Bush has admitted that it doesn't take much to get him to cry. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but if Bush Tear-water is on the market, there's probably enough available to keep prices low.

1. FDR's piss In honor of his vice-president, John Nance Garner, who told the world the V-P job "wasn't worth a bucket of warm piss." It's usually bowdlerized as "warm spit," but who's ever seen a bucket of warm spit?


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