Four Loko On The Run; It's Time For Substitutes

Four Loko: Accept all substitutes
Four Loko: Accept all substitutes

The makers of Four Loko, Phusion Projects, said in a statement this week that they will be pulling the stimulants and caffeine from it's blends of alcohol and liquid death in the coming of weeks to side-step a proposed government ban on the drinks.

Phusion literally had no other option but to take the uppers out of the drinks, what with states banning their products left and right after a rash of irresponsible kids, of all ages it seems, were either killing themselves or others after imbibing.

The FDA stepped in with their own "No Shit, Sherlock" report stating that alcohol and energy drinks were not a good idea, something that we have known for the past nine years that Red Bull has been on the market.

It's something that we saw coming and doesn't come as a surprise in the slightest. Just as Sparks before it changed its formula to appease officials demonizing the product, so went Phusion and Four Loko. It was the caffeine that was the worse part of Lokos, not the malt liquor swill.

Social media went into action on Wednesday as news of the restructuring of the recipe went public. Fans were posting tales on Twitter and Facebook about hoarding stashes of the stuff for a rainy day, where they would presumably need to the liquid courage and resolve to piss on the front doorstep of a rest home or bust the lights out on a police cruiser.

Four Loko tattoo: In 10 years no one will remember what it's about
Four Loko tattoo: In 10 years no one will remember what it's about

Our friends at @4lokolunatics on Twitter went into survival mode, rallying drinkers from all over in a sort of revolutionary stance to fight the changes at hand, bringing to mind a gaggle of sauced Glenn Becks fighting for their right to trashily party.

Already drinkers are trying to replicate the taste and feel of classic Loko with their own recipes. One concoction we heard on Twitter included vodka, Steel Reserve malt liquor, and a 5-Hour Energy shot. We haven't tried that one yet, but we are still smarting from the can we drank this past weekend.

We came with our own recipe. A can of NOS energy drink, three shots of vodka, and a can of Fresca, and a baseball bat to hit yourself in the head with if you aren't feeling anything.

A few popular videos have circulated on YouTube as well.

All these state bans and FDA warnings are fine and good, but the fact remains that we can walk out into most any bar in Houston and order up a Red Bull and vodka that will achieve almost the same end as a Four Loko. We doubt that anyone will be coming after bars for making those for their patrons any time soon.

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