Friday The 13th: The Best Kills
Today marks the reboot of the venerated Friday the 13th franchise, and what better way to get up to speed on the history of Jason Voorhees and Camp Crystal Lake than to study this carefully assembled list of the best death scenes from each of the 11 Ft13 flicks?
Friday the 13th -- Baconation
Happily, Mrs. Voorhees never really jammed an arrow through a young Kevin Bacon's throat, leaving him and his brother free to entertain millions with their music. Pity that movie career never really got off the ground.
Friday the 13th, Part 2 -- Coitus Interruptus
Look on the bright side, Jeff: at least now you don't have to spend the next month worrying that you got Sandra pregnant (fast-forward to the 2:19 mark)
Friday the 13th, Part 3: 3-D -- Split Decision
One can forgive cheesy 3-D effects (not Jaws 3-D bad, but close) when given such a plethora of mayhem from which to choose. For me, it's a toss-up between the machete bisection of Andy (while he's walking on his hands) or Rick's skull crusher (with Super Scary 3-D Eyeball Action).
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter -- Harpoon to the Groin
It was around this time when we started suspecting that Jason may not exactly be entirely human. As we see at the :56 mark, he can apparently stay underwater for minutes at a time, the better to stab floating young ladies and spear those foolish nightswimmers in the nethers.
Friday the 13th: A New Beginning -- Destroy All Robots
It isn't the most imaginative of deaths -- hell, it isn't even Jason, but rather some dude named Roy taking revenge on the punk kids who caused the death of his son. Really though, Violet's machete in the gut is less punishment than she deserved for subjecting us to her horrible robot dance.
Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives -- Three Heads Are
Better Than One
This is the 3rd movie to feature the character of Tommy Jarvis (played by Corey Feldman in Parts IV and V), and here he crosses the line from "annoying" to "criminally negligent" by disinterring and "accidentally" reviving Jason. I'm sure Stan, Katie, and Larry, rendered headless by one mighty machete swing at the :40 mark, will forgive him.
Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood -- Slip Inside My
Jason's not just a homicidal maniac with supernatural endurance and strength from beyond the grave; he's an innovator. And innovators get tired of the tired old "sneak up from behind and shove a sharp object throught your sternum" approach, especially after six movies.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan -- Julius' Block Gets Knocked Off
It's too bad Julius put up the best fight in what is likely the worst movie in the Ft13 franchise (and that's saying something). Then again, who knew Jason would be such a master of the rope-a-dope?
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday -- Coitus
Is Jason merely an indestructible thyroid case? Or is he instead an allegory for the era in which we were repeatedly warned "sex = death"? Luke and Deborah would make an argument in support of the latter at 1:55.
Jason X -- Does Your Face Hurt?
In the future, scientists will wear Spandex halter tops instead of stuffy old lab coats. And, of course, they will eschew protective gear entirely, even around open containers of liquid nitrogen.
Freddy vs. Jason -- Fields of Fire
For starters, nobody wears a football jersey to a rave. Second, why would you assume a guy in a hockey mask is a farmer? Every one of these idiots deserve their messy, pointy demise. Oh, and Freddy sucks.
-- Pete Vonder Haar
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