Game Time: 2010 Houston Astros -- Will I Ever See A Tasing? (w/ VIDEO of PHILLY FAN TASING)
Oh, he's going to tase you, bro
The Philadelphia Phillies are the defending National League champions and less than two years removed from winning a World Series. The Astros finished last season on a 4-16 skid and have never won a World Series in the history of the franchise.
The Philadelphia Phillies are in first place in the National League East. The Houston Astros are in last place in the entire National League. They are 8-17, and already this season they've had a seven-game losing streak (still going...) and an eight-game losing streak and the first Cinco de Mayo margarita has not even been consumed yet.
The Philadelphia Phillies have a starting lineup that includes at least four marquee players in their primes (Howard, Utley, Rollins, Werth), a lineup that is currently second in the National League in runs scored. The Astros have a lineup that has Michael Bourn (God bless that poor guy) and a bunch of dudes who are either in decline, stuck in neutral, or were never really that good to begin with. Oh, and they're last in the National League in runs scored...and OPS....and total bases...and hope.
During the 2009-2010 off season, the Phillies went out and made a deal to bring in the best starting pitcher in the American League over the last ten seasons, Roy Halladay. The Astros signed Brett Myers to a one-year, incentive-laden deal after he was told his services were no longer needed....by the Phillies.
Yeah, 2010 sucks worse than a Freekbass box set if you're an Astro fan. Philly fan is having all the fun. And now this....
Yeah, that's right....Philly Fan is not only getting one of the most fearsome teams in Major League Baseball, but they also get the first tasing of the 2010 season. Last night, during the Phillies game against the St. Louis Cardinals, 17-year-old Steve Consalvi ran onto the field. He wasn't drunk, he wasn't on drugs, it wasn't a dare, he was apparently just bored. In fact, he even called his father to ask permission, but wound up doing what most kids do nowadays....he ignored his old man's pleas not to act the fool and did it anyway.
Consalvi managed to apply his 5.8 forty time and suburban white kid jukes for a little while, but no amount of "poor man's Mike Furrey" wiggle can outrun the long arm of a taser gun. Consalvi found this out the hard way. Taser 1, Consalvi 0.
I've been to a national championship football game. I've been to a Final Four. I've been to four Wrestlemanias. I was even at the game where Carlos Lee hit a triple two Sundays ago. I say with zero hesitation that I would trade all of those in to be at a game where someone gets tased on the field. Sure, you can relive it on the internet with your friends, but it's not the same. Not even close.
And unfortunately, for the part of me that wants to see 1.21 gigowatts of voltage course through the veins of a wayward fan, I live in Houston. Oh, don't get me wrong....I love Houston. Cost of living, no state income tax, Tex-Mex, barbecue, traffic with Jennifer Reyna...it's all good. But our baseball team is the Astros. They suck. The crowds seem to dwindle by another several hundred fans each night. Mere math dictates that pretty soon, there will be no more fans, and therefore by definition, there will be on one to run onto the field sans permission and take a heater for my amusement.
Oh sure, if I ask Drayton McLane nicely enough he'll come up with some sort of promotion whereby the police chase Carlos Lee around left field in between the fifth and sixth innings and try to tase Caballo, but it's not the same. Too rehearsed, no spontaneity, and the whole thing would only last about four seconds before Lee collapsed from a lack of oxygen, and was left screaming for someone to bring him a shot of ranch dressing.
Yeah, the 2010 baseball season blows. The Phillies just finished up the weekend by scoring ten runs in four innings against Johan Santana, including NINE straight guys reaching base. The Astros just finished up the weekend by playing the role of "bitch" and getting swept by a team that just lost NINE straight games.
The Phillies got the season's first tasing of a fan. The Astros...well, let's just say the odds of a tasing occurring at Minute Maid Park drastically plummet with each passing game.
The rich get richer.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m.weekdays on the Sean & John Show, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Houston, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.