Game Time: Friday Broken Glass
Just cleaning up some random broken glass in my "Blog" folder on a Friday ...
Can You Guess This Team?
Channeling my inner Cosmo Kramer... WHO WANTS TO HAVE SOME FUN?! Ok, well, I'm going to describe a fairly well known football team to many of you, and after I'm finished describing them, see if you can guess what team it is! The answer is below. (Sorry, other than recommending you go print my NBA Preview post and spend a couple hours on the crapper, this is the best I can do to distract you from work right now.)
- In his most recent job before becoming a head coach, this team's head coach was an offensive coordinator under a future NFL Hall of Famer.
- The embattled coach is on a bit of a hot seat and probably needs to play a meaningful game in January to keep his job.
- The team has had literally almost every game down to the last minute this season.
- Two of their losses were in the final minute, complete with excruciating goal line drama.
- This team's quarterback is finally putting up numbers in his third year with the team ... like silly numbers.
- The team has arguably the best wide receiver in football, and one of the best tight ends.
- The team has serious trouble running the ball sometimes despite a very talented starting tailback.
- The defense has been suspect at times, but the run defense has been nails the last few weeks, including recently shutting down the leading rusher in football week before.
- The most impactful first year player on the team is a difference making linebacker.
- The secondary has been shuffling different combinations around this year, trying to find an answer, while making some very average quarterbacks look good.
- The punter's last name is Turk.
"... because people don't understand the pressures that making $40M come wit'!!"
One of my favorite lines ever from a movie ... in "Jerry Maguire", early in the movie when Jerry is narrating a montage of some his clients' escapades, a 300 pound blithering football player is crying into the camera about the pressures of making so much money. It is the perfect representation of the entitled athlete expecting the public to feel sorry for them because their income level comes with some level of responsibility. (Of course, if one were to propose the opposite of their situation to them -- lopping a few zeroes off their paycheck -- my guess is they wouldn't see this as a viable fix. Just guessing.)
Why do I bring this up? Because we had a couple "people don't understand the pressure" guys in the news this week. First, we had Andre Agassi releasing his book in which he admits that the pressure of playing big-time tennis and pondering his future with actress Brooke Shields led him to experimenting with crystal meth. Now, we all have problems that cause stress in our lives... Bills piling up, economic uncertainty, worrying about your kids. I get that. I have to admit, though, I'm having a hard time figuring out how life got so bad for Andre Agassi. I'm picturing the following conversation...
Andre's Friend: What's wrong Andre? You seem down?
Andre Agassi: Well, I just can't seem to get my first serve in lately, and my backhand sucks right now ... life is terrible ...
Andre's Friend: Terrible? But you --
Andre Agassi (interrupting): AND on top of that I can't figure out what to do about this hot actress girlfriend of mine! I mean, this is ... (sobbing) ... do you happen to have a spoon and a lighter?
Andre's Friend: Sure! Right here!
And if you're saying "Sean, you don't get it," well, you're right. I don't.
And along those lines, I'd like to welcome Vince Young back into the fold of starting NFL quarterbacks. When we last saw Vince as a starter, depending on who you talk to, he was either driving away to go ponder suicide or hanging out with a friend eating chicken wings. Vince is another one who has tried to tell us we don't understand the pressure that "$40M come wit'." Whatever. I find it ironic that when the Titans go 2-8 in Vince's ten starts (assuming he keeps the job for more than three weeks), he'll have paved the way for the Titans to have a top five pick so they can pick the next Vince Young. Sports is awesome. _______________________________
This Weekend's Best Bets
A few games that jump out at me this weekend, for you degenerates out there ....
- Central Michigan +5.5 at Boston College
- Nebraska -13 at Baylor
- Michigan -7 at Illinois
- Notre Dame -27.5 over Wash St (in San Antonio)
- Jaguars/Titans under 44.5
- Eagles +1 vs NY Giants
Can You Guess This Team? Answer!
While I'm sure many of you read the description of the football team in question and said, "Hey Sean, do you think we're stupid? You just described the TEXANS!", I would contend that you are wrong. While all of those little characteristics did indeed describe the Texans, I was in fact describing the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame! That's right, Texan Fan, your team is a mirror image of the most hated team in college football! Ha ha, TAKE 'AT!!! The similarities are uncanny, check it out..
(1.) In his most recent job before becoming a head coach, this team's head coach was an offensive coordinator under a future NFL Hall of Famer.
TEXANS: Gary Kubiak under Mike Shanahan; NOTRE DAME: Charlie Weis under Bill Belichick
(2.) The embattled coach is on a bit of a hot seat and probably needs to play a meaningful game in January to keep his job.
TEXANS: Kubes needs a look at a playoff spot; ND: Weis needs a BCS bowl bid
(3.) The team has had literally almost every game down to the last minute this season.
TEXANS: Only two of their games have been in doubt heading into the back end of the fourth quarter; ND: Only the opener against Nevada hasn't been a nailbiter
(4.) Two of their losses were in the final minute, complete with excruciating goal line drama.
TEXANS: Jacksonville game and Arizona game (poor Chris Brown); ND: USC game (poor Duval Kamara)
(5.) This team's quarterback is finally putting up numbers in his third year with the team ... like silly numbers.
TEXANS: Matt Schaub is leading the NFL in TD passes and yardage; ND: Jimmy Clausen is a legitimate Heisman candidate and has thrown 18 TD's and only 3 picks.
(6.) The team has arguably the best wide receiver in football, and one of the best tight ends.
TEXANS: Andre Johnson/Owen Daniels; ND: Golden Tate/Kyle Rudolph
(7.) The team has serious trouble running the ball sometimes despite a very talented starting tailback.
TEXANS: Slaton is averaging 3.1 yards a carry; ND: Armando Allen has been solid, not spectacular.
(8.) The defense has been suspect at times, but the run defense has been nails the last few weeks, including recently shutting down the leading rusher in football week before.
TEXANS: Best run defense in football over the last month or so, including shutting down Ced Benson; ND: Improved run defense, including shutting down BC's Montel Harris a week after he went for 250+ yards against NC State.
(9.) The most impactful first year player on the team is a difference making linebacker.
TEXANS: Brian Cushing; ND: Manti T'eo
(10.) The secondary has been shuffling different combinations around this year, trying to find an answer, while making some very average quarterbacks look good.
TEXANS: Yep; ND: Yep
(11.) The punter's last name is Turk.
TEXANS: Matt "Biceps" Turk; ND: Matt's nephew, Ben Turk, who not coincidentally owns a 405 LB bench press. Seriously.
So if I look like I'm about to die from cardiac arrest and too many close shaves, it's because my college team seems to enjoy playing every game down to the last second, and my pro team is not far behind. Channeling Kramer again on my way out ... I can't go on like this. I can't, I won't.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.