Game Time: Jenn Sterger -- Best Cast Addition To A Sitcom EVER (Favre In Charge, Season 3)
The fact that I've been comparing the third season of the Brett Favre saga (heretofore referenced as Favre In Charge) to a sitcom is entirely appropriate. I don't profess to know many athletes. By and large, the ones I do know seem to be fairly normal people. The other 99.99999 percent that I don't know, I honestly view as characters in a television series, with their games and storylines giving the backdrop to their respective "shows." I think it's the healthy way to view sports.
That's what makes sports the ultimate reality show in some ways. It's good versus evil, with smatterings of relationships, drama, humor, and...yes, sometimes adult content (foreshadowing). So in some sense, unless I know them personally, I care about an athlete to the extent I would care about Jim and Pam on The Office (admittedly, probably care a little too much still).
So I'll go ahead and say it -- I am openly rooting that the story Deadspin broke today about "gunslinger" Brett Favre sending pictures of himself "slinging his gun" to internet phenom/television personality/hot chick Jenn Sterger back when both were New York Jets employees in 2008 is true.
I know the Sterger story could potentially turn Brett Favre's real-life marriage to his wife Deanna into a smoldering mess (although truth be told, there's probably some sort of adultery-coping course athletes' wives take before slipping on that wedding band, so she may be conditioned for shit like this), but this certainly spices up what was starting to look like just another season of Favre In Charge.
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. UConn Huskies College Football
TicketsThu., Sep. 29, 11:00am
Battle of the Piney Woods: SFA vs. SHSU
TicketsSat., Oct. 1, 3:00pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 11:00am
Rice University Owls Football vs. UTSA Roadrunners Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 6:00pm
It started yesterday with Fox's Jay Glazer (back from his summer vacaction to "name dropping" camp) tweeting that Favre had been texting teammates that "This is it," implying that he was on the verge of retirement (as opposed to his texts to Sterger in 2008, which ironically had the same subject header, for entirely different reasons).
This set off the same Mississippian Fire Drill that we saw in the summer of 2008 and 2009 -- ESPN talking heads treating it like a hostage crisis (somewhere the Minnesota Vikings all sit tied to chairs and blindfolded), listeners to my show threatening to leave us forever if we so much as invoke Favre's name, and Favre himself getting the waffling started.
It was the same tired storylines as the 2008 and 2009 Favre In Charge seasons. ESPN even wrote the "matter of taste" sneaky-hot chick out of the storylines, assigning Ed Werder to go cover Favre's every bowel movement instead of Rachel Nichols.
And then like a Heather Locklear-to-Melrose Place bolt of lightning came Jenn Sterger to save Season 3. Here's the story from Deadspin's A.J. Delaurio...
Sterger said that Favre first began to call her early in the  season and leave strange, friendly messages on her voicemail. She played me one of these voicemails over the phone. It was Brett turning on the Mississippi simpleton charm on his way to practice giving Jenn a friendly good ol' boy hello to a pretty lady. It was odd, but nothing incriminating. Then the phone calls from Brett started to turn weird.
Did it ever. Continue...
The interactions were flirty and strange but she didn't think there wasn't anything that made her too uncomfortable. But then, one night, Sterger received a picture on her phone which was so shocking that she just tossed it across the room. It was his dick. Brett Favre's dick. And it happened multiple times. In fact, Sterger claims that, in one of the photos Favre allegedly sent her, he's masturbating -- while wearing a pair of Crocs.
Okay, stop right there. I need to compose myself....ok.....let me be very clear, if you are a male over the age of 5, it is not ok to be doing anything -- grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, helping the downtrodden, ANYTHING -- in CROCS. Are we clear on this? Crocs are meant to be purchased for one reason and one reason only -- so that hungover parents can just hand their kids something to slip on their feet and not have to deal with the strenuousness of tying their kids' shoes the morning after a bender.
That said, I almost get it. I mean, Brett Favre has always been the riverboat gambler, the gunslinger, the guy trying to squeeze the ball into a space no one else on earth can (and yes, I know that entire sentence is oozing double entendre...hell, I know using the word "oozing" is unto itself a double entendre.). Isn't "trying to woo a hot internet celebrity chick by 'adjusting your antenna' while wearing Crocs" the perversion equivalent of throwing the deep fade into quintuple coverage?
(And in fact, isn't "throwing the deep fade into quintuple coverage" a pretty good euphemism for masturbation, almost as good as "taking my talents to South Beach"?)
One last add from the Deadspin article...
In another photo, Favre is holding his penis while wearing the wristwatch he wore during his first teary-eyed retirement press conference.
I have a buddy of mine named Ryan (@RyanLostinTX on Twitter, if you need him) who, every time a hot chick or some porn actress (mutually exclusive WAY too often, by the way) posts a picture of themselves on Twitter looking all sultry and seductive, he'll find some other item in the picture and comment on it -- like if Bree Olson posted a topless picture of herself in her kitchen, he'll reply with "Hey, I have that same blender you have on the counter!"
He does it every time, and it NEVER gets old. I always laugh out loud.
Why do I bring this up? Because there's part of me that wishes that Jenn Sterger is funny enough to reply to a picture of Brett Favre holding his member with his watch on with "Nice watch. I thought they paid you like $10 million a year?"
My only recommendation to Sterger -- if someday she works for the Portland Trail Blazers, she may want to steer clear of Greg Oden. But if she does strike up a friendship with him, I would recommend upgrading to an iPhone 4. Bigger hard drive, more memory. (Downside? Higher resolution screen. The Oden in High Definition is probably pretty chilling.)
Also, Jenn, if you're getting messages from a "PKing" or a "JMadden" asking you to forward the pictures of "Little Brett," just delete and move on. It's in everyone's best interests.
So now we've got a nice juicy love triangle for Season 3 of Favre In Charge to go along with our usual array of football storylines. Favre hasn't really come out and said anything yet, about football, retiring, or clearing his snorkel while rocking the footwear of a second grader. All the news has been second hand. Dammit, there I go again.
I gotta end this thing, before discussion of Favre's Viking helmet and the phrase "purple headed warrior" get me into real trouble.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.