Game Time: John Daly Thinks Tiger Woods Is A Lightweight
Anyone who watches NBC's hit television series The Office knows that one of the integral, recurring aspects of the show is Jim Halpert's penchant for pulling pranks on office kiss-ass Dwight Shrute (played to perfection by Rainn Wilson). If you don't watch the show or perhaps just want to take a trip down memory lane, here's proof....
The end result of most of these pranks, as we found out in Season 2, was Dwight's filing complaints with Toby Flenderson (Dunder Mifflin's Human Resources rep in the Scranton branch), who did what any self-respecting H.R. rep who hated their job and their life would do -- he told Dwight they all went into a "special file" to corporate in New York City when, in fact, Toby merely crammed them all into a box below his desk, never to be seen nor discussed ever again.
In essence, the seemingly interminable file that Toby, on behalf of Dwight, had been accruing for years didn't really exist.
Well, one thing we now know....the Human Resources people for the PGA Tour take their job much more seriously than Toby Flenderson takes his, because John Daly's "Jim Halpert file" of transgressions became public record recently -- 456 pages of eye-popping, head-scratching, sarcastic-golf-clap inducing greatness.
Some of the highlights of Daly's "misconduct" from 1991 through 2008 include:
-- The PGA Tour, on seven occasions, ordered Daly to undergo counseling or enter alcohol rehabilitation
-- Daly was placed on Tour probation six times
-- Daly was cited 11 times for "conduct unbecoming a professional"
-- Daly was flagged 21 times for "failure to give best efforts"
-- Daly accrued fines of nearly $100,000 during the period covered in the file.
-- Accusations that Daly nearly struck an Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms agent after failing to stop his car at a security checkpoint at the 2005 U.S. Open in Pinehurst, N.C.
-- The final transgression listed in his file, according to the Florida Times-Union, details Daly's six-month suspension from the PGA Tour at the start of the 2009 golf season after his October 2008 arrest, in which he was found intoxicated outside a Hooters restaurant in North Carolina.
Okay, my initial thoughts on the bullet points listed above and the Daly file in general:
1. I have never wanted to get my hands on a document that is now public record more than this 456-page opus to debauchery. I know a lot of people want the salacious details on Tiger's dalliances with various Waffle House waitresses and reality stars; truthfully, in the end I think all that is there with Tiger is a really boring, athletic robot going missionary position with a bunch of skanks. Put it this way -- which file (assuming Tiger had a file) is more likely to include a paragraph about threesomes? Daly's or Tiger's? Exactly. Daly. No contest.
2. Probation six times in seventeen years? You'd think after, say, three probations they might drop a suspension on you, just to make a point. I guess not.
3. Daly was cited 11 times in those 17 years for "conduct unbecoming a professional". That's it. ELEVEN times in SEVENTEEN years. Uh, I'm a Daly fan, but let's be real -- dude conducts himself unprofessionally 11 times before the turn on the first day of most tournaments.
4. I love the PGA citing 21 SPECIFIC times that Daly "failed to give best efforts". Can't we just bundle his whole life together and call it one big 44-year period of putting little to no effort into anything productive? Doesn't that make more sense? I mean to boil Daly's apathy at life down into 21 specific instances does a disservice to the 2,342,761 other times that he put forth a lackluster effort. Just saying.
5. To be fair, he NEARLY struck that Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms agent with his car in 2005, he didn't ACTUALLY strike him. No harm, no foul, I say.
6. Hooters continues to get more free advertising from Daly passing out drunk there than whatever they're getting out of Dickie V on those....um....awesome television ad's. Like this one....
...and, uh...this one...
Yay...baby...uh, anyway, back to Daly.... When all of Tiger Woods' extramarital shenanigans became public, I expressed my confusion over living in a world where Tiger Woods was all of a sudden lecherous, frat-boy dude, and John Daly was the voice of reason. My equilibrium was literally thrown off and my faith in mankind put to the test.
Some people marvel at Tiger's greatness -- the tournament wins, the "back nine on Sunday" assassin's stare, the 14 majors. That's fine. But someone like John Daly, who can chug a bottle of Jack, autograph a hundred pairs of breasts, scarf down a Denver omelet and then go shoot an 82 -- well, that's its own brand of immortality right there. And now it's gone....
But what time and a lap-band procedure have stolen from us, I can now recount thanks to this 456-page report that has come down like a gift from the gods. I must get my hands on it, even if it now reads like a eulogy to a deceased, once-great bastion of sleaze like Daly.
Besides, Tiger Woods is sooooo played out.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the Sean & John Show, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.