Game Time: Kentucky Derby 2010 Infield Olympics (Includes Mud-Wrestling Videos)
I'm not sure what it says about the type of summer we're going to have here in Houston when an embedded video of 30 hornets wrecking a shop and mass-murdering 30,000 bees in a blog post about the Kentucky Derby elicits roughly 100 times the reaction in my e-mail and Twitter account than anything Astros-related. It can't be anything good, can it?
There's only so many ways that you can say a team sucks (many of which John Royal test-drives in his post earlier today), so at the risk of sending myself running to a bottle of Prozac, I'm going to try and keep this a happy place today.
And if the Game Time corner of the Hair Balls blog on HoustonPress.com is going to be a happy place, let's focus on the happiest place on earth -- the infield of the Kentucky Derby! I wrote in my post last Friday that the Derby itself (the purported "most exciting two minutes in sports") isn't even the most exciting two minutes that occurs that day at Churchill Downs.
The video footage below fully supports my thesis.
SIDE NOTE: One person who rightfully has a beef with my contention would be Houstonian Glen Fullerton, who won the CNBC Dream Bet promotion by taking a free $100,000 wager and putting it on Super Saver, netting about $800,000 in the process. After hearing about and learning more about the contest, my initial reaction was:
-- WOW, that is a serious toupee!
-- The dude in the other CNBC contest on that page says his name is "Adam Cohen," but with the New York ties and the whole Maserati thing, he might very well be Tony "The Hatchet Man" Valentine.
-- I mean....seriously, WOW, that toupee is incredible...
-- $800,000, or if I may translate, at this pace the cost for Drayton McLane for every two RBI's or so that Carlos Lee will get over the course of the season. (DAMMIT! I couldn't even make it through the whole post without the Astros ruining the fun!)
-- I'm not even kidding, I think Fullerton could raise another $800,000 just by selling naming rights to that toupee.
So was the actual Derby the most exciting two minutes in sports? For Glen Fullerton it was, absolutely. I respect that. Congrats to him.
As for me, I was immediately surfing YouTube Saturday night looking for Churchill Downs infield shenanigans, which are at a fever pitch every year but when you add in rain? Well, let's just say adding rain to a Kentucky Derby infield is the debauchery equivalent of a juiced ball in baseball or relaxing hand-checking rules in the NBA -- it takes the offense (or in this care, the offensiveness, and I mean that in a good way) to a whole 'nother level.
So without further ado, cue the Olympic theme....here are the 2010 Kentucky Derby Infield Olympics:
SKANKO ROMAN MUD WRESTLING -- Menage A Trois Division
HIGHLIGHT: The frog splash by Skank #1 onto the small of Skank #2's back at the 0:24 second mark (after the dude moved out of the way, no less) is a move that may well send WWE talent scouts scrambling to locate these three.
SKANKO ROMAN MUD WRESTLING - Orgy Division
HIGHLIGHT: At about the 0:18 mark, off camera to the left something happens whereby a girl winds up flat on her back. You can't see what happens, but the aftermath (and mystery) are almost worth it.
SKANKO ROMAN MUD WRESTLING - Single Skank Division
HIGHLIGHT: The frequent use of actual wrestling holds by the taller of these two girls (including a full nelson that would make Billy Jack Haynes jealous) leads me to believe this is not her first fight....nor her mud pit....nor her first fight in a mud pit.
CHACHO ROMAN MUD WRESTLING - Douche Bag Division
HIGHLIGHT: We only get the aftermath on this video of two meatheads jawing with each other, and I'm pretty sure if you read lips you can see at least a few "YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?"'s. If nothing else, this is a good teaser video for their rematch at the Preakness.
MUD DANCING AND RHYTHMIC SLIDING
HIGHLIGHT: The team slide at the end onto the concrete is pretty sweet. Other than that, all I can think to myself is "This is what the precursor to the pinball incident in The Accused would have been like if it were done in a mud puddle. Bad times."
PORTA-LET RACING -- Joust Style
HIGHLIGHT: My favorite part is when the two contestants each start at one end of the porta-lets and go running at each other full speed, like Foley and Undertaker climbing to the top of the cage in Hell in the Cell 1998. Only with alcohol, and lots of urine and feces. Honorable mention: The Stone Cold Steve Austin-style drinking of some bottled drink and tossing it to the crowd near the end.
PORTA-LET RACING -- Singles Division
HIGHLIGHT: At about the 0:40 second mark, we ALMOST get a dude going ass first through the roof of one of the units. Sooooo close!
PORTA-LET RACING -- Doubles Division
HIGHLIGHT: The whole thing. Two guys holding hands making it virtually the entire length of stalls without falling...I mean...I'm not even kidding, the performance these guys put on is like seeing a no hitter in baseball. Greatness on display.
SUMMARY: Damn, I hope it rains for the Preakness. That is all.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the Sean & John Show, and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- #BlackLivesMatter Faces Backlash After Deputy’s Slaying
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00am
Sat., Sep. 5, 12:00pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 2:30pm
Sat., Sep. 5, 6:00pm
- College Football: Five Best Bets On Season Win Totals
- With No Funding, Texas Race Tracks Ordered to Close — at Least for Now