"Hello World, the Real King James is in the Building 'Finally'. My Brother @oneandonlycp3 gas'd me up to jump on board so I'm here. Haaaa" -- LeBron James (oh sorry...@KingJames on Twitter, and what is sadly his most interesting tweet thus far)
I've always thought that when Twitter is at its best (and depending on who you're following, the worst), you feel like following a someone is an extension of hanging out or conversing with them.
In some ways, though, Twitter can be a pretty good psychological forensics tool, with a person's home page and tweets providing the unique thumbprint to just how narcissistic he or she is. (Admittedly, I'm guilty of a degree of Twitter self-absorption from time to time.)
So as of yesterday, LeBron's now on Twitter. His buddy Chris Paul (@oneandonlycp3) "finally" convinced him that he should get plugged into this social media thing. Purely coincidentally (where is that "sarcasm" key?), LeBron proclaimed twelve hours later that he will be announcing which city gets the privilege of sending him his ample property tax bill for the next five or six years on Thursday night. On ESPN. In an hour-long special.
Ostensibly, the proceeds from the broadcast on Thursday night go to charity (The Boys and Girls Clubs of America), but really the dog and pony show is a fitting end to what has been one of the more stomach-turning free agency courtships in recent memory. Surprising? Not at all. Just conduct a Twitter forensics test on LeBron James' fledgling Twitter home page, it's all right there....
-- He named himself @KingJames on Twitter. I think Jason Whitlock put it best -- "Did Michael Jordan call himself 'Air Jordan'?" No, he didn't. And for the record, Isiah Thomas would have never in a million years introduced Michael to all of his "tweeps" in an online unveiling a la CP3 and LeBron. Reason #351 I hate the NBA right now.
-- As of 11:44 AM Wednesday, @KingJames has 238,119 followers and is himself following exactly no one. Yeah, not surprising that LeBron's follower count looked like the ticker for our national debt yesterday afternoon. At one point, it was believed he was adding 10 followers per second! Less surprising is that LeBron has no interest in what anyone else has to tweet about -- not even his supposed BFF's in this process Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade, nor the person who introduced him to Twitter, Chris Paul.
-- As of 11:48 AM Wednesday, LeBron has tweeted three times...once to announce to the world that he is on Twitter (in the third person, shocking), once to announce he woke up (always riveting), and once to give the link announcing his ESPN Free Agency reality show on Thursday night. Congrats King -- I didn't think it was possible to be less interesting than Ozzie Guillen on Twitter, but you're out fast! (The boredom that is @OzzieGuillen on Twitter is still my biggest disappointment of 2010 so far. Pete Carroll getting a $7 million per year parachute out of USC is second. Every Astros game is tied for third.)
So putting my CSI: Twitter hat on, I can tell you that LeBron James is a front-running egomaniac who has decided to put on a "Boys and Girls Club charity" sport coat on top of his "I'm An Attention Whore" t-shirt. Thus, a special on ESPN this Thursday is born.
The other thing about Twitter is that when something like LeBron's announcing an ESPN special to unveil which team he is blessing with his presence occurs, the good jokes are all out there within about four minutes. Things like comparing the LeBron special to The Bachelor or to any number of WWE angles were flowing down Twitter River within seconds. It makes it tough for your daily neighborhood blogger to come up with fresh content the next day.
So while I may be coming up with potential scenarios for Thursday's television hijinx that have been floated to you by someone already, what they haven't done is provide sensory aid to help you visualize the humor -- comedic lubricant, if you will. That's where I come in, as lubricant. (That didn't sound right...)
So to help you prepare for the very special episode of LeBron on Thursday, here are seven potential format scenarios with conversion charts on which actors/performers in each embedded video translate to which players in the LeBron drama. Stay with me....
1. LeBron presented to the Cavaliers as a Heisman Trophy
Sam Bradford: Dan Gilbert (Cavs Owner)
Colt McCoy: Mikhael Prokohrov (Nets Owner)
Tim Tebow: Pat Riley (Miami Heat)
Chris Fowler: Craig Sager (TNT sideline reporter)
Billy Sims: Delonte West (screaming "MOTHER!" instead of "BOOMER!"...I'll let you fill in for "SOONER!")
Heisman Trophy: LeBron James
2. LeBron committing to the Nets using the high school "hats on a table" trick
Joshua Jarboe: LeBron James
Sheila Jarboe: Gloria James
Delonte West: Himself (deleted scene)
Interviewer: Doris Burke
Georgia Hat: Cavs Hat
LSU Hat: Knicks Hat
Florida Hat: Heat Hat
Oklahoma Hat: Nets Hat
Why the Nets? Well, Jarboe was eventually kicked off of the OU team because of an inappropriate rap he posted on the internet. So I had to go with the team owned by Jay-Z in this scenario.
3. LeBron selecting Cleveland a la Randy "Macho Man" Savage unveiling Elizabeth in 1985
Randy Savage: LeBron James
Elizabeth: Gloria James
George "Animal" Steele: Delonte West (deleted scene)
Slick: Jay-Z (Nets part owner/rapper)
Fred Blassie: Donald Sterling (Clippers owner)
Bobby Heenan: Donnie Walsh (Knicks GM)
Jimmy Hart: Erik Spoelstra (Heat coach)
Johnny V: Jerry Reinsdorf (Bulls owner)
Vince McMahon: Himself
Best part about this one? A bonus scene...bidding for LeBron!
4. Tried and true, The Bachelor formula, with LeBron choosing the Bulls over the Heat
Jesse Palmer: LeBron James
Chris Harrison: Stuart Scott
Tara: Dwyane Wade
Jessica: Derrick Rose
5. Cleveland winning LeBron on The Price is Right
Motor Scooter: Delonte West
Model Fondling Motor Scooter: Gloria James
Drew Carey: Stuart Scott
Leah: Isiah Thomas ($6,000? WTF!)
Lindsay: Joe Dumars
Mina: Donald Sterling
Taylor: Dan Gilbert
Ford Mustang: LeBron James
Dodge Charger: Chris Bosh (miraculously agreeing to a sign and trade with Cleveland)
6. LeBron, Wade and Bosh all deciding where to play together via American Idol audtions
Simon Cowell: LeBron James
Paula Abdul: Dwyane Wade
Randy Jackson: Chris Bosh
Ryan Seacrest: John Amaechi
Singers: NBA owners and general managers
Lyrics changed to "Don't you wish your owner was HOT like me! Don't your owner was a FREAK like me!"
7. The Knicks win LeBron in a 25th anniversary celebration of the 1985 NBA LOTTERY
Pat O'Brien: Himself
David Stern: Himself
Patrick Ewing: LeBron James
Stan Kasten (Hawks): Dan Gilbert (Cavs)
Al Attles (Warriors): Jay-Z (Nets)
Herb Simon (Pacers): Jerry Reinsdorf (Bulls)
Carl Scheer (Clippers): Donald Sterling (Clippers)
Dave DeBusschere (Knicks): Donnie Walsh (Knicks)
Bob Cook: (Kings): Either Maloof brother (Kings)
Lenny Wilkens (Sonics): Pat Riley (Heat)
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I'm not sure how many people noticed, but Kevin Durant quietly inked a five-year extension for $86 million with Oklahoma City today. He announced it on his Twitter account to his 194,488 followers -- "Extension for 5 more years wit the #thunder....God Is Great, me and my family came a long way...I love yall man forreal, this a blessing!"
Humble, concise, grateful.
I just checked @KingJames Twitter feed. He's now up to 253,054 followers, nearly 12,000 more than when I started typing. Sometimes I hate this business.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.