There are people who like to go to sporting events, there are people who would pay anything to go to sporting events, and then there are people who would pleasure a complete stranger for World Series tickets.
Meet Susan Finkelstein. If you haven't heard her story, she is a diehard Phillies fan in desperate need of some World Series tickets. So desperate is Susan to see Chase Utley and the boys bring home a World Series that she recently posted an ad on Craigslist that reads as follows:
"Diehard Phillies fan-gorgeous tall buxom blonde- in desperate need of two World Series Tickets. Price negotiable-- I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!"
"Gorgeous tall buxom" ... weird, she left out "humble". Uh, anyway, unlike most great prostitution anecdotes, this one does NOT have a happy ending.
Alas, Susan Finkelstein (mugshot after the jump) was arrested when she clarified exactly what she meant by "help each other" and tried to "help" an undercover police officer take off his pants in exchange for his World Series tickets. BUSTED! (Note: According to her Facebook page, Susan Finkelstein is a grad student at the University of Pennsylvania. You'd think an Ivy Leaguer, possibly a Wharton Business School student, would come up with a better plan than "(a) find someone with tickets, (b) screw their brains out, (c) head to game," but I guess not.)
(Note #2: Yes, I have asked her to be my friend on Facebook.)
(Note #3: No, she hasn't responded yet. Keeping my fingers crossed.)
On the one hand, who are we to denigrate somebody that is just supporting their local team in any way possible? Loyalty like that is admirable in this day and age. And who knows when the Phillies will be back in the World Series? I mean, it's been almost a WHOLE YEAR since the last time the Phillies won a world championship! So I admire her moxie.
On the other hand, does Susan Finkelstein not realize that this whole "sex for goods and services" thing is what's killing our economy? I'm no Alan Greenspan, but I'm pretty sure we need people to be spending, you know, actual U.S. currency on things for the economy to become at least somewhat vibrant again.
Oh sure, it starts harmlessly enough ... a random buxom skank in Philly gives a hand job in the alley for a couple tickets to Game 3. But then before you know it, people are buying groceries with oral sex, and then going in halfsies on a threesome to buy an SUV. No actual money is being exchanged except for condoms and Viagra, and before you know it, unemployment is at 40 percent, 50 percent, maybe even 60 percent. Susan Finkelstein, when Obama said he wanted to create "jobs," this is not what he had in mind.
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And what about the ugly people? What about those of us who aren't "gorgeous," "tall," nor "buxom"? What the hell are we supposed to do? Will we now need to send our more gorgeous, tall, and buxom friends into the store to buy an iPhone or pick up our dry cleaning?
And while we're at it, Finky, have you stopped to think what you're little "booty for ducats" cottage industry is going to do to the ticket brokers out there? How the hell are they gonna be able to demand 500 percent markup for Nickelback and Creed, when you can just go down the street to Joe Blow and promise Joe a blow for floor seats? Fornication doesn't pay for Jimmy the Scalper's kid's tuition!
Above all else, I think I'm saddened by just how much this devalues Astros tickets. I mean, if World Series tickets are worth a one-time dalliance with a stranger, what can we possibly hope to get for Astros vs. Padres in the middle of August? A peck on the cheek? A handshake? A kick in the nuts? Gone are the days when we Astros fans can walk into any strip club with a handful of 'Stros vs. Nationals tickets and make it rain. Susan Finkelstein and Drayton McLane have seen to that!
Indeed, this is a dark day for America. The only thing that can possibly cheer me up is an e-mail telling me that Susan Finkelstein has accepted my offer to be her friend on Facebook.