Game Time: Stephen F. Austin Football -- The "F" Now Stands for "Fakers"
My birthday is on January 22. (I don't say this because I want you to get me anything -- although I wouldn't say NO -- I am merely pointing it out to illustrate how I feel this time of year.) Growing up, it was great having a January birthday because it was like having a second big, present-giving holiday to clean up any gift-giving holes that were left behind by Christmas.
That's how this time of year feels -- the day before the college football season kicked off last week felt like Christmas Eve. Now, here we are a week later and the NFL season is about 24 hours away, and it's like the day before my birthday (when I still gave a shit about my birthday).
Along those lines, I'll have my NFL predictions for 2010 in tomorrow's post. For now, the purpose of today's post is to call attention to perhaps the biggest pussy-ass move since LaGarrette Blount tried to knock Byron Hout's jaw into downtown Boise.
To that end, I give you Stephen F. Austin's football team's "strategy" to slow down Texas A&M's hurry-up offense....
Pay particular attention to the far left part of the screen at about the ten-second mark and watch a couple SFA players go down suddenly -- one like his leg was being mangled by an invisible dog and the other like he just got a rancid case of food poisoning (which magically found its way into his leg a few seconds later).
Check it out....
Now, I'm not here to save the world, and if SFA's coaching staff is coaching these types of tactics as an "acceptable" way to slow down the hurry-up attack of a high powered offense, then there are probably about a hundred other things the kids are being taught as "acceptable" that I can't undo, nor even want to take the time to attempt to undo.
The thing is, SFA doesn't even execute LYING very well. I mean, come on. Really? No, I'm not going to try and weed out and vanquish the lying in your game-day tactics, Stephen F whatever-your-mascot-is...instead, allow me to give you some advice so that you at least fake future injuries competently.
My five point plan:
1. In a given football game, there are maybe five to ten plays where a player goes down with an injury that requires attention. Rare is it that two players go down on the same play. Even more rare is it that they go down within two feet of each other. In the future, just have one designated faker and if two guys happen to go down, try and spread them out to the different has marks or something.
2. Sell the injury for at least a couple plays before going down. It probably doesn't lend credibility to the "injuries" when you're guys are running around at full steam and then miraculously go down like a ghost just walked up to them and jammed an ice pick into their leg. This sales effort qualifies both before and....
3. ....after you get up, at least limp off the fucking field! Love how the one player on the left gets up and JOGS off the field when he realizes that his teammate has already faked his way into stopping the play. Brutal.
4. I realize that things like cell phone cameras and high definition video haven't made their way to the far reaches of Nacogdoches yet, but people in civilization have the ability to film everything -- EVERYTHING -- nowadays. If you pick your nose, scratch your balls, fake an injury, it will get caught on film and get distributed on YouTube.
5. Finally, if you're going to keep using these tactics, ponder a name change to the school. Stephen F. Austin led the successful colonization of the state of Texas, an endeavor that requires brains, guts, and integrity. You are trying to slow down a superior opponent, not by fighting them, but by faking weakness (that's the thing -- it's not even REAL weakness).
My suggestion for a name change?
McGrady School of Modeling, of course.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.