Game Time: Tiger Woods -- Divorce, It Does A Body Good
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Oil spills, hurricanes, divorce. Compassionate human beings don't wish any of these things upon their fellow man.
That said, we live in a capitalist society. Financial Darwinism, survival of the fittest, whatever you want to call it. The bottom line is the bottom line...there are still businesses to run, and some of them stand to benefit from other people's pain.
So when an oil tanker dumps a hundred bajillion gallons of oil in the Gulf of Mexico, we don't begrudge the sorbent companies that grow exponentially during the cleanup. When Hurricane Ike rolls through and knocks over every sign in the city like a shitfaced college freshman at his first keg party, we're fine with the sign companies getting their slice of the pie.
And when Tiger Woods shoots his first 65 in God knows how long about seven minutes after finalizing his divorce, I'm here to plead -- let's not begrudge divorce lawyers for the avalanche of business that is about to roll their way.
This just in -- golf is really important to lots of married, adult males. When Judge Smails strolled up to Ty Webb in the locker room in Caddyshack asking him what he shot that day, that was a pretty real moment. If you're a golfer, roughly a thousand percent of your self-esteem is tied to your golf score and how it compares to that of your club-toting cronies. (Ironically, it's the only "who is more of a man" argument where smaller is actually better, but I digress...)
To wit, Golf Digest did a study a few years ago and found the following:
-- While 94 percent of golfers know what areas of their golf game need improvement, only 45 percent know what aspect of their saving and investing strategies need attention.
-- 85 percent of golfers know the score of their last round, but only 52 percent know the current value of their portfolio.
-- 74 percent of golfers have increased the amount of money they spend on golf over the years, but only 54 percent have increased the amount set aside for retirement.
Translation: For guys who golf, this shit is really fucking important. More important than their own financial well-being.
I don't fancy myself a golfer at all. It takes too much time, costs too much money, and by about the 12th hole, I'm usually wasted, shoes off, and I've turned my foursome into my own personal ballbusting-palooza and test group for material to use on my show. Basically, I become a distraction.
But I have friends who golf, and I've seen them try every gimmick short of putting a live boa constrictor down their pants to try and shave three strokes off their score just so they can brag over the fence to their neighbor that they finished fourth in the member-guest. Golf is a grind, and it's why this Tiger Woods test case should have wives everywhere on blast and divorce lawyers preparing for the phones to begin ringing off the hook.
Call and cut four shots off your average!!
Tiger Woods spent the first five months of the golf year looking like the cablinasian Spalding Smails; his divorce was finalized this week, and he immediately went out and shot a 65. Coincidence? I think not.
I speak from experience. While it may not be the most politically correct thing in the world to admit, the clarity that comes with finalizing a divorce can be quite energizing, for both parties. Hell, I know the day my divorce was finalized that I might have even shot a 65. (And to be fair, my ex-wife probably would have broken 60.)
Moving on can be very invigorating, especially when it allows you to reclaim your regimen that made you the best in the world at what you do. Tiger can take the blank-faced, empty shell of a man that he was in that press conference right after leaving "sex addiction" therapy in Mississippi and flush him down the toilet. That version of Tiger almost got him left home from the Ryder Cup.
Now Tiger can get back to pounding Perkins waitresses, sexting porn stars, and shooting in the low 60's. In short, he can get his mojo back.
The transitive property of equality -- if a equals b and b equals c then a equals c -- doesn't always translate to everyday life, but it won't stop golfers from immediately putting it to the test. Tiger got divorced and started playing his best golf, therefore if I get divorced, look the hell out Smoothwater Country Club! Tiger is big business, and business is by God about to pick up for divorce lawyers everywhere. Who knew that years of flushing thousands of dollars down the toilet on swing doctors and gimmicked Big Bertha clubs could have been avoided with one phone call to 1-800-DIVORCE?
Wives of golfers, you're about to be put to the test. Your husbands are going to have to choose -- marriage or shaving like ten strokes off their score. It's not going to be pretty. I don't know what amount of "reaching back for some of that old freakery" equates to ten strokes, but I would imagine it's a LOT.
Ladies, it may be time to figuratively "pick up your ball". You, too, may have to call a divorce lawyer.
You may want to do it now, they're about to get real busy.
The old Tiger Woods is back.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Texans-Saints: Four Things To Watch For
- 5 New Laws That Go Into Effect Next Week
- Finally — Documented Proof of the Homosexual Agenda!