Gettin' Snatch? Slayin' Puss? Yeah, Pepsi Has An App For That
One day, someone ridiculously wise (or someone that was obviously getting ripped a new asshole by the media) once said, "No press is bad press." Unfortunately, that old adage probably isn't applicable to Pepsi, and won't be in this lifetime.
We suppose we shouldn't be too surprised that Pepsi developed an iPhone app to market its new AMP energy drink. Big corporate conglomerates always whip out their appendages in order to piss all over the fun technology left and right, don't they? Granted, this is nothing new for AMP, which obviously throws most of its advertising dollars at the penis-bearing segment of the population anyway. Nah, we aren't too miffed that AMP blowhards chose to bypass women altogether yet again. What does ruffle our feathers is the way they've done it.
We're biting our tongue. See the commercial for yourself below.
Yeah, that really happened.
"Each type of woman is depicted in a cartoon drawing reminiscent of a Bratz doll," according to PC Magazine. "The Sorority Girl is tugging at a mini-skirt and toting a small dog in a pink purse, while the Rebound Girl is holding a carton of ice cream while mascara runs down her face. Everyone is well-endowed, of course."
You know, thank goodness that family-friendly Pepsi developed a savvy piece of mobile software -- called "AMP UP B4 U SCORE," no less -- that allows your brothers, sons, fathers, husbands, and boyfriends to not only typecast women they meet based on irresistibly degrading three-line (or less) descriptions, but it also bestows upon them the knowledge to figure out the most efficient way to mack on and bang particular bitches.
And while we're giving thanks, thank goodness this piece of software will help clueless men pigeonhole women swiftly and neatly! Meet an Indie Girl? You don't have to listen to Of Montreal to get between her thighs. B4 U SCORE assures you that by "dropping the right names, she may drop right out of that thriftshop cardigan." Meet a Married Woman? Never fear; that ring will crumble like the Berlin Wall! Suggest a few alibis to her, like "I was volunteering at a soup kitchen," for example, so she can sneak under the radar of her "shotgun-bearing husband."
But did the app work for you? Did your snake actually crawl through the overgrown garden of a Nerd or a Princess? Add any and all of them to your Brag List, where you can record her name (if you knew it, that is), the date you shagged her, and a pre-cum-inspiring journal entry so that you can relive the moment over and over and over again. Presto change-o, you've got tug-worthy material for life.
Neat-o, Pepsi. We think we'll switch to Coca-Cola, thank you.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.
- Cougars Easily Dismantle Navy, Win 52-31
- Legendary UH Coach Guy V. Lewis Dies at Age 93
- Saints-Texans — Four Things to Watch For