God Pondering What To Do Now That Ray Lewis Has Retired
No longer shackled with the burden of managing Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis' Super Bowl run, God the Almighty is looking for a new gig.
"I may never find something as important as my Ray Lewis Project, but I'm hoping the Middle East can keep me occupied, God said.
Other offers He is considering include becoming commander-in-chief in the War Against The War Against Christmas or a lobbyist fighting groups pushing the homosexual agenda ("To tell you the truth," He said, "I'm not exactly sure why I'm supposed to be against the gays, but you know Satan has Fox News on 24/7 and those folks seem pretty convinced that I hate homosexuals. I hate to tell them that the only reason it's Adam & Eve and not Adam & Steve is that Steve was on a coffee break when it was time for the whole apple thing."
Whatever job God ends up doing, he's pretty sure He'll never find anything as personally fulfilling as his work with the Ravens defensive stalwart.
"Sure, I created the world in seven days, but has the world ever thanked me as often as Ray has?" God says. "Now there's a guy who knows how to please a boss."
The King of Kings and Lord of Lords says many people have told Him about "this Tebow kid," and mentioned how guiding his NFL career might be a good post-Lewis option, but God seems unconvinced.
"Have you seen that throwing motion?" he says. "I've done some miracles in my time, but c'mon....."
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.