Gone To Join The Choir Invisible

Read the

Houston Chronicle

’s death notices long enough, and you’ll realize there are more than 1,000 ways to die. Not physical causes of death, mind you: we’re talking about hundreds and hundreds of manners in which to euphemistically describe the act of dying. While most are said to have simply “died,” “passed away,” “expired,” “departed,” or some variation of “went to be with the Lord,” others are magnificently grandiloquent.

Hair Balls scoured a month of them and came up with the following actual examples:

“Another WWII era B-24 warrior/pilot was released from his earthly bounds [sic]”

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“Completed her marathon of life”

“Finished the race”

“God wrapped his loving arms around her and took her home”

“Graduated from this life and was called home to be with the Lord Jesus Christ”

“Left to go fishing”

“Like a warm gentle breeze, the spirit of our beloved mother drifted away to be with our father”

“Received her jewel-laden crown as she entered the doors of the holy mansion”

“Will be funeralized”

“With the passing of [Jane Doe], the earth lost some of its sparkle today and the Heavens gained the glitter that once gleamed in her eyes”

“Took his last Corps trip” (The deceased was an Aggie.)

“Went to play the back nine”

“Made his ‘transition’ on July 20, 2008, immediately following his ‘British Open’ extravaganza”

“Left us to make Tee Time with our Lord”

Man, apparently golf is very serious business indeed. And I guess that last person will know by now if it’s true that not even God can hit a one-iron.

John Nova Lomax

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