Good Face Time
My lesson for the week: How do you find out if Howard Stern's girlfriend is regular? Show up to a TV-commercial audition.
I'm hanging out at Jones Plaza on a cloudy Friday afternoon, where dozens of handsome guys are lined up, hoping to become Gillette's next "Face of Fusion." Swimsuit model-activist-TV host-FHM columnist Beth Ostrosky who's famous for being Stern's girlfriend is on a ten-city search for the next gorgeous face to hawk the company's new shaver. As a Stern fan (well, my fiance is I just listen in the morning), I can't wait to meet "Beth O." Thanks to Stern, who talks about how Beth has sex with him before he goes to strip clubs and how she "almost never poops," I feel like I know her already. Oh, and I'm here to audition, as the lucky overall winner will win a Dodge Charger, a 12-month contract with Ford Models and a spot in a Gillette commercial.
That is, until I realize I can't enter. To compete, you gotta shave part of your face so I'd have to carve off some of my beard. There's no way I'm doing that. (It's not a religious thing; I just don't want to wait seven months for it to grow back.) So I watch my colleagues audition instead. The guys work their best moves for Beth O, who has her blond hair pulled back and is wearing a short leather jacket, jeans and heels. As each contestant is announced, she smiles from her director's chair while they shave, grin, pose and even dance. It's all over when studly Bryant, with his rippling muscles, tattoos and smooth, bald Taye Diggs-looking head, strolls up, shaves and spins around. Beth is sold, and dude's the winner. The 23-year-old boxer wins $500, a chance to compete and the knowledge that Howard Stern's girlfriend has publicly called him "hot" like 15 times.
Finally, I have the chance to talk to Beth. I get some dirt: She and Howard might get married someday. Since she has been on this Gillette tour this week, she hasn't been able to sex Howard up before he hits Scores. She still stands by her highly contested answer during a Stern show spouse quiz, when she said he prefers oil and vinaigrette she meant oil and vinegar on his salad. "It's the same thing!" she says. And what about her regularity? "I'm really annoyed that the whole world knows that I don't go to the bathroom very often," she says. "Every interview!"
Battle of the Piney Woods: SFA vs. SHSU
TicketsSat., Oct. 1, 3:00pm
University of Houston Cougars Football vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 11:00am
Rice University Owls Football vs. UTSA Roadrunners Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 15, 6:00pm
Rice University Owls Football vs. Prairie View A&M University Football
TicketsSat., Oct. 22, 2:30pm
So, has she gone today?
"Okay! No," she says, giggling and covering her face.
Thanks, Beth O. I knew I'd get the straight poop.
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