Hair Balls had been withholding our decision on the whole "should teachers bring guns to school" debate until we heard from State Rep. Debbie Riddle, who we've always considered a spiritual guide; a moral compass who always points to logic and reason. And now that she's announced her intent to introduce a bill allowing teachers with concealed handgun licenses to bring guns to school, we now know where we stand: We stand right behind Riddle and her posse of pistol-packin' pedagogues.
Surprised? So were we, but the strength of Riddle's evidence-based argument is undeniable. Here's a sample: "There is a reason no shootings like this happen in Israel. As a grandmother of 10 - and 6 are in elementary school I far prefer their teachers being able to protect them if necessary."
The logic is so airtight; the writing so eloquent; the daring decision to forgo transitional sentences to amp up the emotional quotient so bold -- there is simply no way not to support Riddle's plan.
Riddle continues: "We will never be able to eliminate evil in the world and evil will always go for what they see are the best targets. It only took 3 min. for the young man in Newtown to murder all the children & teachers he killed."
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We couldn't agree more: Evil really will go for what they think are the best targets. And what better way to protect dozens of children sitting in close proximity to each other -- in a single room -- than by keeping a loaded handgun nearby? We spent upwards of ten minutes thinking of other possible modes of security short of bringing guns into schools, but we came up blank. That's because no other solution exists.
If we previously had doubts about whether an art teacher could thwart the bloody rampage of a well-armed psychopath swathed in body armor by stepping out into the hallway and, dodging the hail of bullets Matrix-style, remain composed enough to take dead aim and put a hole through the perp's head with a single shot, thus making sure she didn't accidentally shoot any more children, then Riddle's opus erased those doubts. A lunatic with an assault rifle and a deathwish is simply no contest for Dirty Harry: Math Teacher.
If there's any fault in Riddle's plan, it's that she doesn't take things far enough. What if the next would-be killer has a grenade? Well, then, teachers need grenades, too. What they need is a full-on arsenal, stocked with everything from throwing stars to flamethrowers. A teacher could keep a loaded Glock in the top desk drawer and stash a Beretta behind the Bunsen burners. That's what they do in Israel.
Thank you, Congresswoman, for making it all so clear.