I realize that, unless you're a member of LeBron James's or Dwyane Wade's immediate family, it's awfully tough to find a reason to root for the Miami Heat.
While they're not the lightning rod for vitriol that they were coming off of LeBron's "Decision" in the summer of 2010, the Heat are still quite dislikable thanks to some tired petulance (and a dirty Dexter Pittman elbow) in response to the Pacers' Lance Stephenson making a harmless gesture after a LeBron free-throw miss early in the series.
But if you're trying to find a reason to root for the Heat, this drunk female Miami Heat fan may have given us one:
The general rule of thumb is that, when in doubt, always root for the team whose female fans are willing to strip down to bra and panties in a sports bar.
And I can tell you, even if female Pacers fans were willing to strip like this, the odds of a gal from the heartland of America "outperforming" and/or "out-talenting" a South Beach product are long, to say the least. I can make this statement with the unwavering confidence that comes with a résumé that includes four years of college in Indiana and several late-night topless shoe shines in Kokomo, Indiana, on the way back from concerts at the Hoosier Dome.
Put simply, drunk and stripping female Heat fan: Good. Drunk and stripping female Pacer fan: Look away. (There are exceptions, yes. If you're from Indianapolis and you're hot...well, then I'm not talking about you.)
Favorite moments from drunk, stripping Heat fan (DSHF) bar dance:
0:10 -- DSHF goes to remove her dress (after a fine gymnastic maneuver on the counter) and nearly loses her footing, which would have made this video much shorter but even more viral ("Drunk Heat fan dies falling off bar while stripping"). Nice of the dude with the mullet to grab one of her ass cheeks to help her regain her balance. Good Samaritan.
0:31 -- This is the first inkling I get that perhaps DSHF isn't a die-hard basketball fan, what with her "wind up and baseball throw" move woven into her dance routine. This is also the first time that I feel like I'm watching the beginning of the worst scene in The Accused.
0:43 -- Boob and bra adjustment, like Nomar fixing his batting gloves before getting into the batter's box. 0:47 -- DSHF double checks to be sure she is actually wearing underwear. Seriously.
0:50 -- And here's why! Good-bye dress! I'm sure when LeBron was taking over in Game 5, DSHF was saying, "I can't wait to take my dress off! GO HEAT!"
1:10 -- One final thong crouch for the crew behind the bar. Several health codes being violated at this point.
1:18 -- One final appearance by Mullet Guy, who somehow interpreted this dance as some sort of invite for him to get closer to DSHF, the same way Frequent Strip Club Goer Guy construes a stripper's overly accommodating attitude during a lap dance as the beginning of a relationship.
I think I speak for most basketball-watching males when I say that I'm happy that DSHF decided to take her talents to South Beach.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
(H/T The Big Lead)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.