More Hand-Doctor Follies
Michael Brown continues to astound
By Craig Malisow
The chief financial officer for infamous hand doctor Michael Brown's various corporations invoked his Fifth Amendment rights during divorce proceedings last week in response to a barrage of questions about whether Brown has been siphoning corporate funds to pay for a boat and home in Miami.
Under questioning from Rachel Brown's attorney, David Brown (no relation), Charles Cave read from a card provided by his own attorney, citing his right to decline to answer whether Brown employees have been delivering $17,000 in cash a day to Michael Brown over the last year.
Rachel Brown's attorneys are accusing Michael Brown of spending "community" money his wife might be entitled to, which, based on David Brown's questioning, includes: $7 million for a boat — and $750,000 for a house — in Miami; the leasing of a Bentley or Mercedes to a woman in New York City (who's also suing Michael Brown for allegedly giving her anal and vaginal herpes); and $60,000 a month on four strippers, among other exorbitant expenditures. (Oddly, David Brown also asked Cave if he knew anything about Brown allegedly flying 1,400 pounds of clothing to Miami on his private plane.)
Cave did what he does best, and what every chief financial officer whose reputation is beyond reproach does: He took the Fifth, apparently believing that answering in the affirmative to a question about clothing could incriminate him. Seriously, that's what kind of day it was. Not to harp, but couldn't Cave have answered the clothing question and still invoked the Fifth when it came to questions about any Miami property? (Or is "1,400 pounds of clothing" some kind of code, like a yellow handkerchief in the back pocket, that Hair Balls isn't aware of?)
After listening to Michael Brown's CFO invoke his Fifth Amendment rights for nearly an hour, the ex-hand doc's attorney, Robert Kuehn, busted out the big guns: He got Cave to say that Rachel has a $3,000 per month flower allowance. Boo-yah! That chick spends a crapload on flowers!
Kuehn also raised the sinister specter of Rachel allegedly dating former Astro Jeff Bagwell. Bam!
To recap, then: The allegations against Brown are that he gave a woman herpes by "forcibly" anally penetrating her; that he paid $60,000 a month to fuck four titty-dancers less than half his age; that he embezzles from his corporations; and that he bought a house adjacent to Rachel's so he could have goons spy on her.
And the allegations against Rachel are: She spends a ridiculous amount of money on flowers and is in a monogamous relationship with a hometown sports hero.
Kuehn also got Cave to say that Rachel Brown has paid David Brown roughly $1 million over the last year; David Brown later asked Cave if the doctor paid $2.8 million to his former lawyers, Dick DeGuerin and Katherine Scardino. (Cave said he'd have to check his records on that.)
Adding to this legally vaunted grasp-for-straws strategy, Kuehn was toting around an exhibit he had planned on using at one point: a freeze-frame of a mysterious seven-second video of Rachel smoking something that was anonymously provided to Houston media (and ABC's 20/20) last year.
The implication is that Rachel is smoking crack in the video, but it's impossible to tell what she's smoking, and who's holding the camera/cell phone. Generally, people don't ask to be videotaped when they voluntarily ingest illegal drugs.
The funny thing is, between the two of them, Michael Brown is the only one who has a history of testing positive for cocaine. It's, like, one of the reasons he lost his Texas medical license and stuff.
Michael Brown was expected to testify Wednesday, but the approximately 8,504 lawyers involved in this divorce proceeding asked the judge for an extended recess; they'll report back February 7 for a status conference.
Just a note: We were a little hurt when Kuehn, in addressing the stripper issue, mentioned that the allegations about Stacy Shey and other young women originally surfaced in "some article in some newspaper," instead of mentioning the Press by name. He also could've been courteous enough to give a shout-out to tabloid site TheDirty.com, which originally posted a photo of his freaking client taking a photo of him with a stripper who can be found inserting an arsenal of apparatuses into her orifices on many a Web site. Seriously, yo.
"There's two little kids caught in the crossfire," Kuehn said at one point, ostensibly assigning himself as the voice of reason, adopting that saccharine What about the children?! Tone.
Yep. It must suck for the kids whenever their parents are in the media because one of them did something so outrageously selfish, stupid and sociopathic, thus prompting yet another court hearing.
And I think everyone knows who we're talking about: Rachel Brown, and all that money she spends on flowers.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Houston Press' biggest stories.