Has Anyone Seen Former Astro Hunter Pence's Stolen Scooter?
I realize that on the list of uplifting activities, "following former Astros" ranks somewhere between explosive diarrhea and Faces of Death 13.
Life hasn't been easy since we lost our Major League Baseball team in Houston a few years ago, and when you lose something you love, seeking out the "where are they now?" for former players is essentially begging for the ruination of your day. So if you weren't up to speed on the whereabouts of former Astros moderately-overrated-but-googly-eyed-lovable outfielder Hunter Pence, you're forgiven.
This is what we know about Hunter Pence:
Pence is still playing baseball, playing in the same moderately overrated and googly eyed lovable fashion that he did here in Houston (i.e., pencil him in for 20-something home runs, 80-90 RBI and a batting average of .260 to .285), only he is now doing so for a lot more cold, hard cash than he did in Houston. In fact, Pence is set to make $16 million this season and another $74 million over the next four seasons as a San Francisco Giant (unless he gets traded, which happened to him in both 2011 and 2012).
In short, Hunter Pence's accountant and his not-yet-born grandchildren are still HUGE Hunter Pence fans.
This we have also learned about Hunter Pence -- apparently, he rides a motorized scooter to work every day. Like EVERY DAY, like to the extent that MLB.com did a feature about it, and the Giants constructed Pence's bobblehead to depict him riding his motor scooter...
I would say that this ecologically friendly form of transportation is Pence's thinly veiled slap at Houston's oil industry in retaliation for the Astros' trading him back in 2011, but Pence has never struck me as someone who is that
deep a thinker vindictive. At any rate, we learned last night via Twitter that some Bay Area scoundrel has made off with the Pencemobile!
Ahhhh someone stole my scooter! :(— Hunter Pence (@hunterpence) May 26, 2014
Seriously, no blog-snark here, that does suck. Nothing more punk ass and cowardly than stealing a man's ride. Especially when that ride has been self-described as being a "part of you." Still, this didn't stop the internet from making Taken jokes....
I would imagine this is exactly how the British Bulldogs felt when the Islanders stole poor little Mathilda back in the day, or how every Days of our Lives character feels when they're being fucked with by Stefano DiMera.
EXACT. SAME. THING.
Well, because it's been nearly 48 hours by the time you will probably see this post, and because that means the culprit could have easily "scooted" into the state of Texas by now, here you go, Houston. Help a (former) brother out....
The scooter was last seen in the parking lot of an unnamed restaurant in San Francisco on Sunday night, and rather than go to the authorities, Pence has offered a reward for the scooter's return -- an autographed bobblehead of Pence on that very scooter, an odd "circle of life" memento for the person who can return the scooter unharmed.
If this all results in a ransom phone call to Pence, and Pence's subsequently going on the five o' clock news to double the reward, a la Mel Gibson in Ransom ("I am doubling the reward....TWO AUTOGRAPHED BOBBLEHEADS..."), then it will all be worth it.
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