H.L. Patton, Candidate Spurned

It was the Seventies, man.
It was the Seventies, man.

A great electoral miscarriage has been brought to light by the tireless digging of the Montgomery County Police Reporter.

That Web site has dug through newspaper archives and found the campaign ad of one H.L. Patton, a man who likes his drink, seeking the position of constable in Precinct 4 of the county.

His platform is eloquent:

Qualifications: "I have never served any time in the Armed Forces and I don't have any honorable discharge, but I am a master at any kind of pipe work, dirt work, tree work and own my own lay out which is not very much."

Notable habits: "I drink considerable, all the time and was drunk five weekends last year, but drinking doesn't bother me. And it is none of your business if you don't like my drinking."

Creative solutions to pressing problems: "I want all you people to quit taking my signs down all over Precinct 4. I am putting my signs high in the trees so my enemies will not take them down."

Hiring only the best: "I will promise you that I will have as one of my deputies, a boy who is about grown and has always dreamed of being some kind of officer that can tell people to head in and would make me a good man to transfer any gossip or dirty work that he may think is going on. It doesn't make any difference if this man has been in jail several times and has been indicted for thievery as he can put up a $1000 or $2000 bond at any time he may wish."

We know Patton did not win; we don't know if he was any kin to the H.L. Patton who helped found Patton Village. Or -- and this comes from looking at his picture -- whether he was any kin to ZZ Top.


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