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Homemade Mosquito Repellents and Why They Suck

Not one of the floodwater mosquitoes currently plaguing Houston.
Not one of the floodwater mosquitoes currently plaguing Houston.

You go outside in Houston this week, you are going to be bit. At least until the cold front comes through Thursday.

You don't want to use noxious chemicals on yourselves or your loved ones, so you turn to natural mosquito repellents, hoping for relief.

We have done some research, though, and found some problems. Here are some actual homemade repellent recipes found on the net.

Lavender Mosquito Repellent

* Ingredients: Fresh lavender (the flower) * Cost: Free (if you have lavender growing in your yard); otherwise Home Depot sells the plant for about $12 Rub a lavender flower behind your ears, wrists and neck. Not only will you smell great but mosquitoes will leave you alone.

Problem one: The last two sentences.

Somehow these instructions don't include the caveat "IMPORTANT: Do not attempt if you own a penis and enjoy vaginas."

Not only will the mosquitoes leave you alone, we're pretty sure your weekly Texans gamewatch will get deserted pretty quickly too.

Also, "if you have lavender growing in your yard"? This isn't very helpful to someone who has no idea what it looks like. A plant of some sort?

Next:

Garlic Mosquito Repellent

* Ingredients: Minced garlic, mineral oil and lemon juice * Cost: Less than $5

Mince a few cloves of garlic then cover with mineral oil. Allow it to sit for at least 24 hours. Next you take a teaspoon of *just the oil* and mix it with 2 cups of water and 1 teaspoon of freshly squeezed lemon juice. Strain through a cheesecloth if you have any floaties then pour into a spray bottle. Shake before each use.

This might work, if your last name ends in a vowel and you know what GTL means. Plus it's going to make everyone around you hungry.

On the other hand, it's also effective against vampires.

Next:

Vanilla Mosquito Repellent

* Ingredients: Vanilla extract * Cost: Less than $5 at grocery store Apply some vanilla extract or vanilla essence to your pulse points.

Or, if you're Kenny G, just sweat.

Next:

This is a recipe given to me by my aunt to use as a mosquito repellent. I find that it stores well but should be used within the year.

1/4 cup vegetable oil mixed with these essential oils (mix and store in a spray bottle):

8 drops cedar 5 drops eucalyptus 4 drops lavender 2 drops rosemary 2 drops juniper 1 drop peppermint 1 drop cinnamon 1 drop clove

Do you have a kitchen or a 14th-century apothecary shop?


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