Houston "Best Bachelor" City: But Aren't We Also Fattest, Sweatiest, Dumbest, Etc. Etc.?

If you like your bachelors with bad teeth, Houston's your town.
If you like your bachelors with bad teeth, Houston's your town.

Hair Balls was stoked by Houston's ass-kicking turnout in recent national listings, including Fast Company's "city of the year," and's ranking of us as the best city for bachelors.

The highly scientific survey found that "with the city's affordability and enticing first date hotspots, the dating pool is simply bigger in Texas! For an adventurous first date, visit the new African Forest at the Houston Zoo." (The Web site took no quarter when it came to nauseating faux-Texasisms; e.g., San Antonio is "just the place to wrangle a cowgirl," etc.)

But just how reliable are such surveys, and which ones should we embrace, and which should we ignore? Because if other surveys are to be believed, then Houston might not be a great place to be a bachelor after all -- and while there might be plenty of swell places for a first date, there might not be any second dates, given how we ostensibly stack up in other categories.

For one thing, the bachelors here are extremely moist: Old Spice ranked Houston as the seventh-sweatiest city in 2008. So it may not be a good idea to hang out in an "African forest" setting after all. Add to that the fact that we're a bunch of angry mofos, and now you've got a toxic combination. Yes, Men's Health ranked Houston the seventh-"angriest" city this year, dropping us right between Dallas and Philly, which is like being the meat in an Angry Sandwich of Suck.

If we were just sweaty and angry, that'd be bad enough, but add "dumb" to that, and you've got a volatile mix. Last year, The Daily Beast put us at 52 in the I.Q. rankings of the country's 55 biggest cities -- we just edged out Fresno, of all places. We're too dumb to be good at math, but we're guessing that placing fifty-second out of 55 isn't that great.

Oh, and we're apparently too dumb to see a dentist regularly, hence our placing as number eight in the top ten cities with the worst teeth, according to an insurance industry site called Winzer. The other cities represent Mississippi, West Virginia and Alabama, if that gives you any context.

And, of course, we all know about Houston's regular rankings in America's fattest cities. So while Houston may be a bachelor's paradise, the bachelors are apparently sweaty, buck-toothed balls of ignorant rage and trans-fats. Where the ladies at?

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